And so this is Christmas...

Merry Christmas everyone!

I have returned from my travels to the thriving metropolis of Lindsborg and I am now back in Hays to take on the world of retail for 12 hrs tomorrow. I have to admit that I am a little bummed this evening. I wish I could have stayed with my family for just a bit longer. All of my friends are with their respective families and I am here...alone in my apartment.

Before my glorious 5 day vacation I spent every waking hour at the store. We were super busy, which is wonderful, but I my last 2 shifts were both 12 hrs long and I have to turn around and do the same thing tomorrow. It's good money I guess but it all adds a little to my current mood.

I had fun with friends and family in the borg. Everyone made my Christmas break a good one but there is still something missing. The holidays make me a little lonely sometimes. I realize that I am better off without a siginificant other right now but it would be nice to have someone to come home to. I've never really had that before and it gets to me sometimes. You all can tell me that my time will come and I realize that but my life is a big ball of uncertainty right now. Everything is up in the air and that makes me a little scared. I want a plan of some sort or even a little nudge in the right direction. My biggest fear is that I will be ringing in the new year by myself with only a bottle of champagne and chocolate to keep me company. I'm sure that won't be the case but I am just a little worried. I'm also a little upset because my east coast friends are only in Hays for a few more days and I haven't gotten to spend much time with them. They are the people who keep me sane most of the time and I have a feeling that my sanity will leave with them. *sigh* I guess there is no use wallowing in my self pity.

There isn't much more to say. I am going to try and enjoy the last of my break and pray that I get some answers soon. This quarter life crisis is not treating me very well

Life or Lack Thereof

Once again I am attempting to kill some time at work. It seems like my hours spent in this store drag on and fulfilling an 8 hr shift is liking pulling teeth. I fear that I am a little bitter on this random Thursday and that is due to the fact that my life is boring and I feel like don't have a purpose to get out of bed in the morning. I won't ramble on about my lack of direction but I will say that I officially have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I made it through black Friday...barely. I managed to get sick just in time for Thanksgiving. 6 am came very early and between the cold winter chill and my fever I was not a happy camper that morning. Luckily, I looked awful enough that I got to go home early. I spent 4 hrs at the store and then enjoyed the rest of the freezing winter day from underneath my covers at home in bed. Words can't describe how pleasant that was. I've managed to recover from my holiday sickness but I'm sure it will return just in time for Christmas. *sigh*

Since my last blog I have once again lost the dating battle. I'm not sure what happened between me and the "awesome" guy but after our date he stopped talking to me. I guess he was turned off by my natural charm. I fear that I will once again be buying myself a bag of chocolates for Valentines day. A relationship probably would've kept me in Hays so I guess I should be glad that nothing developed. However, I am just about to give up on the idea of dating. It's too much work and I'm not sure if my heart can take anymore rejection. I apologize for sounding like a damsel in distress. Sometimes my dramatic side gets the best of me.

Recently I've been discussing my current unhappiness with anyone who will lend an ear and I've even gotten tired of explaining myself. My dreams of moving to the east coast seem to be a bit further away recently. My savings has kind of gone down the tubes and I also can't decide if I want to move that far away from my family. I really don't what I want to do. I've toyed around with the idea of moving to Colorado but that's just me trying to create some sort of plan. I would really like some guidance right now. I don't like feeling lost.

"Jane! Get me off this Crazy Thing..."

I can't believe that it's already nearing the end of November. I never believed my mother when she told me that time starts to fly by once you reach your mid twenties but now I realize just how truthful her words were. It seriously seems like my birthday was a couple of weeks ago. Where did time go?

Due to the fact that time has started to breeze by at ludacris speed I have recently become stressed out and overwhelmed. In less than a month I have to have five songs memorized for my vocal juries and do I have to work on them? No! I'm stuck at this store all day and, to be totally honest, that has been the main cause of my stress. I realize that I shouldn't write bad things about my job over the internet but it has come to the point where work as consumed me and something needs to change. My boss's financial instability has been rearing its ugly head recently. She is never around the store so I have to deal with creditors calling and blaming me for bounced checks or past due bills. When I tell them that it is out of my hands, they don't believe me. I have always been the type of person to interalize things so each firey phone call is like a tiny knife jabbed into my ego. I could go on about all of the things that my boss and I don't agree on but I will spare you all. I will say that I have started a job hunt in Hays and I am determined to find one soon. My stress is mounting and I've developed an unhealthy wine and chocolate habit. I guess you could say that it's my soul food...or maybe I'm just a lush with a sweet tooth. I have yet to decide.

In other news, I may have met someone. I say this with the utmost caution because each time I "meet" someone everything ends in disaster. I get too attached, they just want to be friends and my heart is broken. It's a vicious cycle that I have grown accustomed to since middle school. I've gotten to the point where I have stopped hoping for anything. With that said, this someone that I met is a really nice guy who shares many similar interests with me. He's only a few months older than I am and he seems to be a very driven and overall cool person. I met him last weekend and we hit it off well. I'm sure I will let you all know if anything develops but don't get your hopes up just yet. Aphroditie and I have been at war for some time now and I dont' know if that will end anytime soon. I hope that it does though because I'm a little tired of buying chocolates for myself on Valentines day. *sigh*

I have come to the point in my quarter life crisis where I've realized that my future is very uncertain. I haven't been able to save money like I've been wanting and the online job search has proved to be fruitless. This uncertainty scares me quite a bit and I hope for a change. For some reason I'm not nearly as optimistic as I once was and the constant worrying has started to wear on me. I spent last Sunday and Monday in bed and I could go for another Rip Van Winkle sleep session. Someday I'll learn to ride the wave where it takes me. Until then I will try to live one day at a time.

Well dear family and friends, I am going to end this post and hopefully make it through the remaining 4 hours of my shift. Have a blessed Thanksgiving and think of me as I'm working at 6 am on black friday :( I hate retail!

Politics, the Economy and What Not

Life has evened out a little since my last blog. I realize that it's only been a week or so but I am feeling better. Gina's funeral was very nice and I'm glad I was there to experience it.

I thought about writing a politically themed blog but chose not to. I don't really follow politics because I have seen the heated debates that my family members get into whenever certain topics are discussed. However, I will say this: I am happy that a historic event such as this has taken place in my lifetime. I am glad that the nation is willing to change and I hope for the best when Obama takes office. I realize everyone has a different opinion about this topic and I respect that. I am merely stating my feelings. I've never been one to debate. In fact, i started crying during a highschool debate about R rated movies so please don't bother arguing with me. Things are changing and only time will tell what happens.

My main concern as of late is the struggling economy. I say this now because the store has been open for almost 2 hrs and I have yet to sell anything. These slow days at work really make me fear for my job and next paycheck. I guess I should start looking for a safety net soon but I don't have the energy to do so. A part of me wishes I could jump on a plane and head out now. Don't worry, I won't.

I did have an interesting talk with my vocal teacher as he was bleeding red ink all over my resume. He asked what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and I gave him the usual "Dr. P, I really have no clue". He's used to my weekly dramatic rants so I'm sure this came as no surprise to him. I told him about my east coast thoughts and he just said "Well, what are you waiting for?". I was speechless. What am I waiting for? I still intend to spend the summer with my family but after that there are no excuses. He told me to "just go" and see where my life leads me. I like to make plans but there comes a point where plans don't work anymore. It will be scary but no matter where my life is in August I am moving. If I want to pursue my dreams I have to. There is no other option for me.

I don't have much more to say. Life feels a little uncertain at this point but I assume that all will even out in due time. For now I will say goodbye and hope that the election results have not left you all in a tizzy. Peace and Love!

Gina

Last year I took a really interesting class called "Sociology of Death and Dying". The whole class focused on how people cope with death and the different things that the body goes through while dying. I enjoyed the class a great deal and it taught me a lot. I learned that the human mind is capable of a lot amazing things such as keeping cancer at a stand still or curing an illness all together. I had never met anyone with such strength until I was blessed to meet Gina.

I know that I complain about my work environment a lot but there is one aspect about working here that I really enjoy. We sell merchandise that supports breast cancer and 20% of those proceeds go to a local breast cancer support group called "The Sisters of Survivorship". A few days after the store opened I was working with my boss one evening when a women walked into the store. She was using a cane, had a hearing aid and no hair. I said my usual hello and she gave me a beautiful smile. Lois looked up from her paperwork and immediately walked to embrace the woman. They had a lengthy conversation full of tears and laughter. This woman, Gina, had been a breast cancer survivor and had recently learned that the cancer had returned and had spread to her lungs, brain and bones. Apparently, the doctors told Gina that she should've died a year ago but she held on. When I met her she had so much passion and was by far one of the strongest women I have ever had the chance to meet. She was so grateful for everything that she had and took nothing for granted. She left the store that day with a smile on her face and that smile is something that I have yet to forget.

Throughout the last few months Gina stopped in to say hello and see how her favorite Retail Therapy ladies were doing. I enjoyed seeing her each time she came into the store. One day she showed up with a picture of her hand saying "I love you" in sign language and a breast cancer ribbon next to it. She gave it to us as a gift. That day was the last day I saw her walking.

Last weekend I helped with the annual "Day of Caring" on the FHSU campus. I had helped with some of the organization and also assisted some of the models that were going to be in the fashion show. Earlier in the morning I sat at a booth and sold out breast cancer merchandise and that is were I saw Gina. She was in a wheelchair and still had that beautiful smile. She looked much weaker than she had before but she was determined to be the best model in the fashion show. Once the show was under way, she couldn't walk down the "runway" but she stood up in her wheelchair and received a thunderous applause. I like to think that she was on top of the world that day. Unfortunatly, that would be the last time that our paths would ever cross.

I was informed yesterday that Gina died late Saturday night. The cancer had decided that it was her time to leave. A part of me likes to think that she held on just so that she could be a model in the fashion show. Once the show was over she knew that it was ok to go. Her mother stopped in the store earlier today to pay for the shirt that Gina wore. I told her not to worry about paying for anything. Gina's mom gave me a sweet look and I could tell that she was holding back a few tears. She told me that up until the last moment of her life, Gina was ranting and raving aboout the girls at Retail Therapy and how she loved all of them. Her mom also said that the day of the fashion show was one of the greatest of Gina's life.

I often wonder what Gina was like before the cancer hit. She had the ability to have a huge impact on my life in the 3 months that I had known her. I only wish that I could've gotten to know her sooner. Gina is a prime example of a "good death" as my sociology teacher called it. She accepted her fate and truly began living once she was diagnosed. Her story reminds me of the book "Tuesdays with Morrie". She shared many charateristics with Morrie and both had such a passion for life. I can only hope that I would be able to cope with death as well as they did.

Losing loved ones is the hardest aspect of living. We don't know where or when it will happen. All we know is that death will indeed happen. It is days like today when I am inspired to live my life to the fullest with no regrets and cherish those around me with every passing moment. I wish there was a way to tell Gina that she had such an impact on my life but I think that she is looking down on all of us and she knows how much we cared. I'm sure she is an angel now and still has that beautiful smile spread across her face.

Rest in Peace Gina, you will be missed.

Letting Go

It's another slow day at the store so I felt the need to blog. I don't really have any updates but I need something to do to pass the time. I apologize if this blog is a bit scattered. I have a million thoughts going through my head right now.

I am currently suffering from a very bad stomach that has been bothering me for the last hour or so. We recently got gourmet chocolate at work and I ate a bit too much. I have the worst sweet tooth in the world and I wish that I didn't. It sucks to maintain a healthy diet when chocolate is all that I think about. I like being healthy but I really hate dieting. It's such a pain and there are days when I think I look like an ogre or something. I realize that this is not the case and I'm much better off now than I was 30 lbs ago but the bottom line is that weight loss sucks...end of story. It takes a strong person to lose weight and keep it off. I just hope that I'm strong enough to do so. What I am I saying? I am strong enough :)

I went to the first college choir concert of the year last night. It was good but I felt really strange just sitting in the audience instead of being onstage with everyone. I actually got a little teary eyed when the choir took the stage. I'm not sure why but I'm having the hardest time letting go of my college life. I have been a student of some sort ever since I was 5 yrs old and now, 19 yrs later, I'm just an adult. Overall, college was the best experience I've ever had. It turned me into the opinionated, head strong woman that I am today and I owe a lot of that to the people that have come and gone in my life. I remember graduating high school and thinking that my world was over. My entire freshman year of college was spent in a state of confusion as to if I should stay or move back home. God only knows where I would be if wouldn't have stayed in college. I have truly been blessed in my 24 years of existence and I hope that more amazing memories are waiting for me in future. All I can do is hope...

I recently watched a fantastic movie called "August Rush". I recommend it to anyone who has an interest in music of any kind. My wonderful roommate bought me the soundtrack today and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. The whole movie is wonderful and very inspiring. Overall, it's a good flick. Check it out.

well, there is not much more that I can say right now. Nothing too interesting is happening and I fear that I will ramble even more if I continue this blog. Have a great weekend! I'm not sure who I'm talking to by saying that but have a great one anyway!

And So It Goes...

Bill stopped by the store on Friday to let me know that the commercials were a "no go". Apparently Nex Tech decided to take a completely different route for their holiday promotion and that route didn't involve me. I was a little bummed but I guess my 15 minutes of fame will come at another time. Thinking about it, I would like to have much more than simply 15 minutes. I told Bill to let me know if any other opportunities pop up and he said that he would be sure to give me a call.

In other news, we had our grand opening at the store on Friday. I spent many hours cleaning and preparing food for the public to enjoy. A lot of the chamber members showed up and that surprised me a little. We had decent business that day and I got paid on time with no drama whatsoever. Overall, it was a good day.

I went home last weekend and hung out with my Lindsborg family for awhile. My sister helped me complete my not so impressive resume. I guess I couldn't expect a lot being fresh out of college but I'm beginning to wonder if I did anything useful. I'm going to tweek the resume a little and email it to a few friends to get some feedback and then it is off into the great blackhole that we call the real world.

Other than work, there is not much going on in my life. I'm still teaching lessons and taking lessons and both have been going well. The girls that I teach are so funny sometimes and they make life a little less stressful.

I think that is all for now. I'm going to make the most of the rest of my shift at work and dream of other jobs that actually challenge me. Cheers!

A Face for TV

An interesting opportunity has been presented to me and I'm rather excited about it. A theater friend of mine, Bill, works for a local telephone/cable/internet company and wants me to be featured in two different commercials. These commercials aren't anything huge but I will be on tv in the Hays area and I get paid. This is my first paying "gig" and I'm really excited about it. In the first commercial, I play Bill's wife. This sort of thing comes pretty natural to me because Bill and I have played opposite each other through the majority of my college career. In the second commercial I play a mother who takes her daughter out to a Christmas tree farm. This probably won't come as naturally to me because I'm not exactly the "mother" type. My idea of having children is getting a dog when I move into a bigger place. Overall, the experience will be a good one and a great addition to my performance resume.

Work has gotten better. My last paycheck came on time with very little drama and that made me very happy. I started setting back a little bit of money from each paycheck so I can save up for the big move that I'm intending to make. I still haven't figured out where that will be but as soon as I do I will let you all know. My friend, Chris, has a few connections with some theaters in DC and he has done some research for me. Before long I'm going to post a resume and see what is out there. As of right now, I still intend to move to my mom's house once my lease is up in April and make a bigger move in August of next year. I want a relaxing summer with my family and it will also be a good way to save some more money. I still have faith that my questions will be answered before too long but I'm getting a little impatient.

I've started teaching vocal/acting lessons to two wonderful little girls that have been in the community theater with me for a few years. We started two days ago and I have a feeling that they will be a joy to work with. Both of them have huge personalities and their mother is a fantastic lady. I'm really happy that I am getting the opportunity to teach again because it makes me feel like I have a purpose and also makes my hours behind the cash register a little less mind numbing.

The weather has started to change and with it has come a sense of renewal. Fall is by far my favorite season. I love the smells, the chilly weather and the overall spirit of the season. Right now all I want to do is curl up in a blanket with a cup of hot cider and watch a movie or read a book. I fear that I can't do that right now but it's always nice to daydream

Trying to Find my Place in this World

I'm beginning to think that I should have gotten a more useful degree. I love music and that is why I chose the degree that I did but finding a job in my field is difficult. I've been looking on a gazillion websites in the last few days and have yet to find anything that suits me. My frustration is mounting daily.

I've been thinking about the different places that I want to live and one place in general has struck my interest. My sister, April, suggested that I visit a website called findyourspot.com. The website asks you a bunch of questions about your living standards and then produces a list of possible places that would suit your needs. The top of my list was Worcester, Massachusetts. I've been researching the city and the more research I do, the more I like what I see. I've even found an apartment complex that has very reasonably priced apartments. I've looked at one of the apartments online and it looks adorable. It has big bay windows, a fireplace and all hardwood floors. It's in a great location too. There's a place close by that hosts an open mic night every monday and the apartments are really close to the artist district. I think that would fit my needs rather well. My only obstacle right now is finding a decent job and planning a visit to the city. I feel a little silly because I'm so excited about what I've found and I've never even visited Worcester before. We'll see what happens. I hope I'm being lead in the right direction. I guess that's why I just have to have faith that everything will work out the way that it's supposed to.

I know that I'm going to miss Kansas once I leave but every day I am more ready to move. I find myself getting frustrated that I'm stuck behind a cash register every day and not out doing what I want to be doing. Business at the store has been pretty terrible recently and I fear that we may be on the verge of going under. I've also had a few issues with my paychecks and I'm beginning to think that I need to start looking for a different job. It's a little upsetting because I've just started to get used to everything in the store and I really enjoy how flexible my hours are. I've decided that I'm going to wait until next Friday (my next pay day) to decide what to do. I hate being a responsible adult sometimes.

Other than the job, my life has been relatively slow. My roommate and I are still getting along fabulously and I really enjoy having my weekly lesson with Dr. Perniciaro. I miss my music friends and sometimes I find myself missing class. I guess I'm having a hard time letting go of my college experience and everything that came with it. It's time to move on though. There is no use dwelling on the past. Growing up is kind of a pain sometimes.

I will leave you now and continue to browse the internet for jobs that I can't have. Have a fantastic Friday!

East Coast Swing

My goal was to keep this site updated as much as possible but I fear that I am failing miserably. It seems that life has gotten the best of me and I haven't had much time to devote to blogging. I am currently at work and the mall is like a ghost town so I decided to hop on the internet and search for future jobs and places to live. I've been looking into moving to the east coast, possibly somewhere near the DC area. No plans have been made and I'm still in a lease until April but it puts my mind at ease to plan for the future. I have a few friends who live on the east coast and they enjoy life in that area. We'll see what the future has in store for me.

The play went very well. The snake cooperated with me until the last night when she thought it would be a great idea to lunge at my neck while I was backstage. I don't think that her intention was to bite me but, needless to say, I was more than willing to give her back when the time came. I enjoyed being a part of such an amazing cast and I loved watching each member light up the stage. This experience is one that will stay with me my entire life. I can't wait to be involved in another show.

Other than working on the arts council production, my life has been consumed with work. I spend the majority of my time behind this cash register and I often wonder if there is more to life than this. I realize that there is but the 10 hr shifts make me feel otherwise. Overall, I do enjoy my job. I get paid too much to do the work that I do but we won't discuss this issue with my boss. I've been attempting to save a little money so I will be able to move when the time comes.

I am still taking lessons with my vocal professor and he manages to inspire me every week. Dr. Perniciaro really believes in me and I am blessed to have found such a dedicated teacher. We work well together and have our fair share of laughter as well. I believe that he will be a great help when I decide to leave Kansas.

I guess I should end this blog for now. I don't have much else to write and the mall is only open for another hour. I have to do my nightly cleaning and straightening. I love you all!

Living and Learning about the "Real World"

Life has been rather busy recently. The store finally opened on August 1st and business has been booming. It seems like all of the people in Hays really needed a session of retail therapy. I've been working many hours at the store but I've enjoyed almost every minute of it.I've been learning the ropes as the store manager and every day I feel like more of an adult...it's weird. However, it is always nice to have a day off and relax.

My life outside of work has been quiet. I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I don't have to worry about the first day that school starts or when fall break will be. I guess this all comes with the new chapter that has opened in the book of Laura.

I've been asked to do a theater production with the Hays Arts Council. Opening night is September 4th and that just so happens to be my 24th birthday. We are doing a series of 11 different monologues called "Talking With". Each monologues deals with a different obsession. My character, Caro, is a country bumpkin who is obsessed with snakes. Towards the end of the monologue I actually have to pick up a live snake and hold it while I speak. The idea scares me a little but I'm up for the challenge. I believe it will be good for me.

Since I haven't been able to take a vacation all summer, I've decided to spend some extra money to travel to the Bluegrass festival in Winfield Kansas on September 18th. My sister April goes there every year and I know it will be an awesome time. I can't wait to get away from Hays for a weekend, listen to some great music and hang out with amazing people.

Well faithful blog readers, I am off to make the most of my day away from work. I hope that life is treating everyone well. I will write more as my adult life develops

A brief update that is not so brief

My life has been pretty hectic recently and I realized that I have managed to keep some of my family members and close friends in the dark about what is going on in my life. Since I seem to have forgotten how to use a telephone I thought that creating a blog would be the best way for everyone to know what I'm up to. so..without further ado, here is a brief update on my life thus far. Keep in mind that I didn't get a degree in English so if I have some misplaced commas, run-on sentences or misspelled words forgive me :)

Most of you know that I started going to college about 5 years ago at Fort Hays State University. At the time I thought that teaching music would be the best route for me to take so I dove head first into some intense theory classes and mind numbing hours of learning every scale possible. At the beginning of my second semester I realized that music wasn't fun for me anymore and the idea truly terrified me. I almost threw in the towel and moved back home but during my second semester something inside of me changed. I had a discussion with my advisor about changing my degree and he suggested that I get a B.A. in music as opposed to an education degree. He explained that I would be forced to take as many theory and aural skills classes so I jumped at this opportunity. Changing my degree was the best thing for me and 5 years later I am glad that I stuck with it. After having to take one summer class I am now the proud holder of a Bachelor of Arts in music and, I must say, I'm pretty proud of myself. (just so you all know, I passed the summer class with an A, Woo hoo!!!)

While I was attending FHSU I discovered my love for musical theater. I started off my college career playing the role of "Marty" in Grease and after that musical I couldn't wait to be on stage again. Being involved with the theater department helped me gain confidence and turned me into the strong and out going woman that I am today. I owe a lot to that run down stage. I like to believe that a piece of me is still there. I gained enough confidence through my stage work to go on an audition while I was in New York during spring break. I didn't end up getting a role for the show I auditioned for but the experience was the best one that I could've had. I fell in love with New York while I was there and can't wait to return to the city to learn more about life.

Last summer I also was blessed with the amazing opportunity to go to Taiwan for a 10 day tour with one of my singing groups at the college. I was a bit leery of the idea when my director approached me about the idea. Taiwan wasn't the first place that I wanted to travel but, after a lot of fund raising and hard work, I decided that to put my fears aside and travel overseas. I am so glad that I did. The people in Taiwan are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. Everyone was so polite and friendly and I really felt like they were excited to have us in their country. During our first performance the audience greeted us with a standing ovation and hoops and hollers. I felt like a rock star :) Being in Taiwan helped me appreciate everything that life has to offer. I got to soak in a completely different culture and see the amazing beauty that surrounds us all. I happened to stumble upon some Buddhists monks who were in the middle of a ritual and they allowed me to sit in and listen. Words can't describe how amazing that experience was. I can't wait to travel again. I really want to see the world and have more amazing experiences like I had while I was in Taiwan.

I guess that brings me to the present. I have recently moved in with one of my best friends from high school. Her name is Danyel and she has been a wonderful confidant. We're both transitioning into "adulthood" together and it feels good to have someone who knows what I'm going through. Because I still don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life I decided to start working to save some money. I began working as a full time employee at Payless Shoe Source in the mall here in Hays and it was a good job for awhile. I didn't agree with some of the things that were going on in the store so I began looking around for something else. A kind lady by the name of Lois who was planning on opening a store right next to Payless was listening to me complain and she handed me an application. I filled it out and within a week she offered me a management position at her new store. I guess it helps to have an out going personality. The store is a boutique called "Retail Therapy". We sell soaps, candles, jewelry, gourmet foods and anything else you can think of. The opening date is set for August 1st and I'm excited. This will be my first adult job and I believe that it will be a good experience for me.

I still can't believe that I am a college graduate. It seems like yesterday that I was saying good bye to my mom as she drove away from my dorm. Life, although confusing at times, is quite intriguing and I can't wait for the future. I have no doubt that someday my name will be in lights. I just have to have faith.

I think that is all for now. I hope this wasn't too long for you. I promise to keep you all updated on a regular basis. Thank you for reading!
Love
Laura