I'm at work on a slow Friday and unfortunately I'm stuck here until 9:00 this evening. I am not a huge fan of closing shifts but I'll manage because I don't really have another choice.
I wish I could say that I have magically found my path and I'm in the best mood ever but I would be lying to you. The zombie mania has carried over into this week and I'm still utterly confused and depressed. I'm very tired of sounding like the damsel in distress. I'm sick of wallowing in my self pity but, above all things, I'm sick of being sad. This post graduation purgatory is breaking my spirit. I know that I will come out of this whole thing a stronger person but right now I am at my weakest point. I didn't realize just how bad things were getting until last night.
After a pointless 6 hr shift at work I hung out with one of my co workers until 8 pm. We talked and things were fine until I went home. I sat in my bedroom, turned on some music and the loneliness began to creep in. My roommate was with her fiance and I was alone in my apartment. To make myself feel something different than alone I drank a beer. I assumed that this was normal so it didn't phase me. I watched some tv, felt more alone and before I knew it the beer was gone...I grabbed another. It was quickly emptied and then I didn't have any other alcohol except for some rum in my freezer so I made myself a drink. After I finished that drink I was, inevitably intoxicated. The indie rock music had run it's course through my cd player and I was again alone. I sat in my bedroom and longed for some sort of social interaction but it never came. I fell asleep and woke up at 4 am to a loud noise coming from my living room. I was too scared to check out the situation so I turned on my tv for some background noise and prayed that I would be safe through the night. The loneliness that I thought the alcohol had killed was beating at my heart like a hammer. Thoughts raced through my mind and I finally managed to sleep after quieting them down.
This morning I woke up feeling awful. Did I actually drink myself into oblivion on my own? Since when did I do this sort of thing? How on earth did I think that numbing myself would take everything away? I played the role of the crazy party girl during my first few years of college. I still step back into that role when friends come to town and we drink "to have fun". Last night I drank to ease my troubled mind and I was totally alone. I refuse to turn into a person that has to rely on alcohol to put me in a "good" mood. It's safe to say that if I don't pull myself out of this black hole soon I will be trotting down the path to alcoholism.
Like an idiot, I got onto facebook last night and wrote on my friend's walls telling them how much I miss them. I also announced to the entire facebook community that I was drinking rum by myself. In a rum haze this morning I checked my profile again and found that one of my student's mothers had written me a personal message. She wasn't scolding me by any means but she was simply offering some much needed advice because she could tell that I haven't been myself lately. Her kind words made me realize that I have an amazing support group and when I'm down I should rely on them instead of the toxic combination of beer and rum. It's funny how people always manage to come to your side even when you feel like there is no one out there.
I need a change. If I don't take control over my own life again I will be miserable and my dreams will be even further away than they feel right now. I need to become proactive. Above all things I need to start playing the leading lady in my own life as opposed to the apathetic, self destructive best friend who ruins her life. I don't know exactly how to become myself again but I have to do something. I can't live with this mess inside of myself.
If I manage to figure anything out I'll keep you posted
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Invasion of the Laura snatchers
You know how I said "when you're lost you can find paths that you never knew existed"?...I'm not nearly so optimistic about life today. For the last two weeks I have felt an emotional storm brewing deep inside me and occasionally it rears its ugly head.
I have grown tired of my meaningless hours at work. I even dusted today in order to make myself feel like I actually have a purpose. It didn't work. All I do is sit here and think about life and how I have no control over what the future holds. Last week I had a horrible vocal lesson with my professor and after it was over I cried...not just cried...I sobbed to the point of not being able to breathe. During my sob session I had a million thoughts run through my head and one of them was "why is music not fun anymore?". I have been struggling with this since then. Each time I try to practice it's like pulling teeth. I feel like I can't sing anymore. After 15 minutes of pointless practicing I will just stare at the piano and tears will well up once again. I'm not myself anymore and I don't like the pod person who has taken over my body.
I literally feel like a zombie. I walk around every day with a certain apathy and life has lost its luster. I used to have a sparkle especially while I was onstage. I don't know where that sparkle has gone. I had a lesson yesterday and when Dr. P asked how everything was I immediately let out the water works. He really listened to me and tried his best to help. We both decided that it will be good for me to take a month off and find my drive again. My only assignment this month is to watch broadway divas in their element and rent musicals that I've never seen before so that maybe I will return to my normal self. Only time will tell if that actually happens.
I have to admit I am very afraid right now. I have been a singer since I was old enough to talk and without music what am I? I don't want to give up all of my dreams. I still want to be a professional performer but I feel like everything is far out of my reach right now. I've been an extremely passionate person my entire life and it really bothers me that all of my passion is gone. I realize that we all go through this to some extent during life but I'm exhausted and emotionally drained. I'm also tried of being so bipolar...didn't I just write about being in a fantastic mood and everything?? I don't know what is wrong with me but I think it's safe to say that I am a mess. I hope above all hopes that my upcoming New York vacation will send some answers my way. I can't live like this much longer.
I have grown tired of my meaningless hours at work. I even dusted today in order to make myself feel like I actually have a purpose. It didn't work. All I do is sit here and think about life and how I have no control over what the future holds. Last week I had a horrible vocal lesson with my professor and after it was over I cried...not just cried...I sobbed to the point of not being able to breathe. During my sob session I had a million thoughts run through my head and one of them was "why is music not fun anymore?". I have been struggling with this since then. Each time I try to practice it's like pulling teeth. I feel like I can't sing anymore. After 15 minutes of pointless practicing I will just stare at the piano and tears will well up once again. I'm not myself anymore and I don't like the pod person who has taken over my body.
I literally feel like a zombie. I walk around every day with a certain apathy and life has lost its luster. I used to have a sparkle especially while I was onstage. I don't know where that sparkle has gone. I had a lesson yesterday and when Dr. P asked how everything was I immediately let out the water works. He really listened to me and tried his best to help. We both decided that it will be good for me to take a month off and find my drive again. My only assignment this month is to watch broadway divas in their element and rent musicals that I've never seen before so that maybe I will return to my normal self. Only time will tell if that actually happens.
I have to admit I am very afraid right now. I have been a singer since I was old enough to talk and without music what am I? I don't want to give up all of my dreams. I still want to be a professional performer but I feel like everything is far out of my reach right now. I've been an extremely passionate person my entire life and it really bothers me that all of my passion is gone. I realize that we all go through this to some extent during life but I'm exhausted and emotionally drained. I'm also tried of being so bipolar...didn't I just write about being in a fantastic mood and everything?? I don't know what is wrong with me but I think it's safe to say that I am a mess. I hope above all hopes that my upcoming New York vacation will send some answers my way. I can't live like this much longer.
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Aftermath
Well, I survived Valentine's day. I took on the day with a big bag of chocolate and a bottle of wine. I guess it was my way of numbing myself. I know that sounds terrible but, in a way, it's true. I spent my evening with two of my best friends and we talked and watched old horror films together. It was a great way to end the worst holiday of the year. My friends are fantastic and I'm really going to miss them when I move. I had to work in the evening on Valentine's day so I spent my morning/afternoon making a video for one of my best friends in New York. She's a little bummed right now and I wanted to do something for her even though I'm so far away. I filmed different places around Hays that have some meaning to the both of us. Overall, the video turned out really nice. I was very pleased with myself. I hope to make more videos for friends in the future.
I bought my juicer the other day and it's not as amazing as I thought it would be. I almost used an entire package of blueberries, about 9 strawberries and almost a whole bag of carrots to get a little under 12 oz of juice. I decided to bring some homemade juice to work for lunch and barely got through 1/4 of it when I felt like I was going to puke. Needless to say I poured the rest of it out and I haven't tried to use the juicer since. I'm hoping that I can get things together and make the most of my purchase.
Other than the juicing shenanigans I don't have a lot going on right now. I am planning another trip to NYC at the beginning of May. I decided that I want to put my tax return to some good use so I'm booking my tickets later this week. I think it will be good for me to go back to the city and see if I really want to move there. I also miss my friends that live there. I'm hoping that I find my drive once again once I go back to the city. I've been walking around like a passionless zombie recently and I don't really know what makes me happy anymore. I want to feel like myself again.
Well, I think I'm going to end this entry now and figure out something else to do with my remaining 4 1/2 hrs of work.
lovelovelove!
I bought my juicer the other day and it's not as amazing as I thought it would be. I almost used an entire package of blueberries, about 9 strawberries and almost a whole bag of carrots to get a little under 12 oz of juice. I decided to bring some homemade juice to work for lunch and barely got through 1/4 of it when I felt like I was going to puke. Needless to say I poured the rest of it out and I haven't tried to use the juicer since. I'm hoping that I can get things together and make the most of my purchase.
Other than the juicing shenanigans I don't have a lot going on right now. I am planning another trip to NYC at the beginning of May. I decided that I want to put my tax return to some good use so I'm booking my tickets later this week. I think it will be good for me to go back to the city and see if I really want to move there. I also miss my friends that live there. I'm hoping that I find my drive once again once I go back to the city. I've been walking around like a passionless zombie recently and I don't really know what makes me happy anymore. I want to feel like myself again.
Well, I think I'm going to end this entry now and figure out something else to do with my remaining 4 1/2 hrs of work.
lovelovelove!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Healthy Heart
I feel fantastic today blueberries!
And you know what the best part is??? I have no idea why I am such a good mood but I hope that this glorious feeling continues. Well, I guess I kind of know why. Let me elaborate...
In previous entries I've written about a very interesting class I took a few years ago called "sociology of death and dying". When I first enrolled in the class I was a little hesitant because of the subject matter but it turned out to be my favorite class that I have taken at FHSU. (No-this blog entry is not all about death and such things). Anywho, during the class we watched a segment of Oprah where she had a few cancer patients talk about their survival and how they cope with the disease day to day. That was when I was first introduced to the "crazy sexy cancer" goddess known as Kris Carr. When she was diagnosed she was an aspiring actress in NYC. On Valentine's day of 2003 the doctors told her that she had stage 4 cancer of the vascular system. This is a rare type of cancer and there is no stage 5. She immediately dealved into a new lifestyle of veggies, meditation and dancing and is now comfortably living with her cancer at a standstill and some of her tumors have actually started to shrink. She made a documentary called Crazy Sexy Cancer and I bought it the other day. I was incredibly inspired by her story and even though I don't have cancer (and hope I never will) I've decided to adapt some of her daily routines.
In the documentary, she talks about how she dances to one song every morning because it puts her in a good mood. I danced to a song this morning and I probably looked terribly silly but when I got done I felt awesome. I have also started to meditate for 5 minutes a day. It's simply a practice that clears your mind and helps you focus on yourself instead of all the other things that are going on in the world. I haven't felt this much mental clarity in quite some time. I'm not a buddhist or anything. I just take some quiet time for myself each morning because if I didn't I would probably go insane.
Also (this is my favorite part) I am going to buy a juicer and a blender with my tax return and start making my own veggie vixen juices and smoothies. My body has felt really out of whack recently and I believe that it has a lot to do with what I have been putting into my body. I think I will feel much better if I start eating healthier and I can't wait to try out some new recipes I've found. I'm also going to try and cut diet pop and coffee out of my diet. We'll see if that happens though.
I feel refreshed today and I love that. I haven't felt this good since I graduated in May. Slowly, I'm coming to terms with this transistional period in my life. I will come out of this a stronger and better person.
I know I won' eat healthy all the time...this sort of thing is inevitable. In fact I know that on Valentine's day all bets are off. Along with the fruits and veggies that I bought last night, I also bought a bag of dove chocolate for myself. On Valentine's day evening when I get off of work, I plan on drinking some wine, eating some chocolate and settling down with a 3 dvd set of old horror films featuring Vincent Price and Bela Lugosi. I am actually really looking forward to this and I can't wait for Valentines day to get here. I never thought I would say that. I do want a companion but since I don't have one I will simply take that day to love myself and my love for b horror films and chocolate. I don't know how the bold function just got turned on but now I don't know how to turn it off. I guess I'll stop writing for now. Have a peaceful monday!
And you know what the best part is??? I have no idea why I am such a good mood but I hope that this glorious feeling continues. Well, I guess I kind of know why. Let me elaborate...
In previous entries I've written about a very interesting class I took a few years ago called "sociology of death and dying". When I first enrolled in the class I was a little hesitant because of the subject matter but it turned out to be my favorite class that I have taken at FHSU. (No-this blog entry is not all about death and such things). Anywho, during the class we watched a segment of Oprah where she had a few cancer patients talk about their survival and how they cope with the disease day to day. That was when I was first introduced to the "crazy sexy cancer" goddess known as Kris Carr. When she was diagnosed she was an aspiring actress in NYC. On Valentine's day of 2003 the doctors told her that she had stage 4 cancer of the vascular system. This is a rare type of cancer and there is no stage 5. She immediately dealved into a new lifestyle of veggies, meditation and dancing and is now comfortably living with her cancer at a standstill and some of her tumors have actually started to shrink. She made a documentary called Crazy Sexy Cancer and I bought it the other day. I was incredibly inspired by her story and even though I don't have cancer (and hope I never will) I've decided to adapt some of her daily routines.
In the documentary, she talks about how she dances to one song every morning because it puts her in a good mood. I danced to a song this morning and I probably looked terribly silly but when I got done I felt awesome. I have also started to meditate for 5 minutes a day. It's simply a practice that clears your mind and helps you focus on yourself instead of all the other things that are going on in the world. I haven't felt this much mental clarity in quite some time. I'm not a buddhist or anything. I just take some quiet time for myself each morning because if I didn't I would probably go insane.
Also (this is my favorite part) I am going to buy a juicer and a blender with my tax return and start making my own veggie vixen juices and smoothies. My body has felt really out of whack recently and I believe that it has a lot to do with what I have been putting into my body. I think I will feel much better if I start eating healthier and I can't wait to try out some new recipes I've found. I'm also going to try and cut diet pop and coffee out of my diet. We'll see if that happens though.
I feel refreshed today and I love that. I haven't felt this good since I graduated in May. Slowly, I'm coming to terms with this transistional period in my life. I will come out of this a stronger and better person.
I know I won' eat healthy all the time...this sort of thing is inevitable. In fact I know that on Valentine's day all bets are off. Along with the fruits and veggies that I bought last night, I also bought a bag of dove chocolate for myself. On Valentine's day evening when I get off of work, I plan on drinking some wine, eating some chocolate and settling down with a 3 dvd set of old horror films featuring Vincent Price and Bela Lugosi. I am actually really looking forward to this and I can't wait for Valentines day to get here. I never thought I would say that. I do want a companion but since I don't have one I will simply take that day to love myself and my love for b horror films and chocolate. I don't know how the bold function just got turned on but now I don't know how to turn it off. I guess I'll stop writing for now. Have a peaceful monday!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Cheesy Cabin Fever
Happy Wednesday milk duds,
It's 1:30 and I still have and hour and a half left at work. I have run out of online tv shows to watch and now I am ridiculously bored. Business has been decent today but right now I'm stuck in a never ending lull. I've played many games of mahjong..so much so that I see tiny Chinese tiles with pandas on them when I close my eyes. I read a few chapters in the Margaret Atwood book I jumped into a few weeks ago. She's a beautiful writer but even her words get boring after so long. So basicially I'm sitting here doing nothing at work, waiting for my time to leave so I can head off to the lesson that I haven't prepared for. A part of me wishes that Dr. P would be forgiving but I have a feeling that won't be this case. *sigh* bored....bored...bored
The opera went very well this weekend. My mother came on Saturday night to watch the performance. When she got out of the car I realized just how much I have missed her recently. We talk almost everyday but there's nothing that makes me happier than getting a huge hug from her and hearing her tell me that everything is going to be ok. After the show was over, as I was greeting the audience, I saw a few tears escape from her eyes. When I asked her why she was crying she just said that she was really proud of me. She has seen me in a million productions but each time she says those words I get a bit teary eyed myself. I like making her proud. This opera was a bittersweet experience for me because it is officially my last show at FHSU. I'm sure that the directors would be thrilled to give me the lead in the fall production for "Sweet Charity" but I can't keep reliving my college glory days. It's time to bite the bullet and grow up. There are many characters I have yet to play and many songs I have yet to sing. I only hope that I will find them in the near future. I grow tired of this uncertainty but, I've already written about that numerous times so I won't bore you with another "woe is me" sentence.
My work situation continues to frustrate me, then again when doesn't it? I've had the worse time trying to get my w2 from my boss. By law I was supposed to have it by Saturday. It is now Wednesday and I haven't seen it. I am headed home tomorrow to have my mother help with my taxes so I called my boss and demanded my w2. She gave me some excuse of "things getting lost in the mail" and told me that she was sending my paperwork to the store again today. I have to have it by tomorrow before I get off of work so we'll see what happens. I was really fired up about all of this yesterday but I've chilled a little since then. There is no use losing sleep over something that I can't control. I keep telling myself that it will only a few months and I will move onto something different. I know that these months will go by quickly and when I'm gone I will miss Hays but it's my time to leave. I've done all that I can in this town.
I'm not sure why I've chosen to get all sentimental in this entry. I guess it's because I've had a bit too much time to think today and that always gets me into trouble.
well, I'm going to stop this lengthy story soaked in cheese before I begin spouting sonnets and day dreaming about skipping through marigolds.
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersen, adieu
It's 1:30 and I still have and hour and a half left at work. I have run out of online tv shows to watch and now I am ridiculously bored. Business has been decent today but right now I'm stuck in a never ending lull. I've played many games of mahjong..so much so that I see tiny Chinese tiles with pandas on them when I close my eyes. I read a few chapters in the Margaret Atwood book I jumped into a few weeks ago. She's a beautiful writer but even her words get boring after so long. So basicially I'm sitting here doing nothing at work, waiting for my time to leave so I can head off to the lesson that I haven't prepared for. A part of me wishes that Dr. P would be forgiving but I have a feeling that won't be this case. *sigh* bored....bored...bored
The opera went very well this weekend. My mother came on Saturday night to watch the performance. When she got out of the car I realized just how much I have missed her recently. We talk almost everyday but there's nothing that makes me happier than getting a huge hug from her and hearing her tell me that everything is going to be ok. After the show was over, as I was greeting the audience, I saw a few tears escape from her eyes. When I asked her why she was crying she just said that she was really proud of me. She has seen me in a million productions but each time she says those words I get a bit teary eyed myself. I like making her proud. This opera was a bittersweet experience for me because it is officially my last show at FHSU. I'm sure that the directors would be thrilled to give me the lead in the fall production for "Sweet Charity" but I can't keep reliving my college glory days. It's time to bite the bullet and grow up. There are many characters I have yet to play and many songs I have yet to sing. I only hope that I will find them in the near future. I grow tired of this uncertainty but, I've already written about that numerous times so I won't bore you with another "woe is me" sentence.
My work situation continues to frustrate me, then again when doesn't it? I've had the worse time trying to get my w2 from my boss. By law I was supposed to have it by Saturday. It is now Wednesday and I haven't seen it. I am headed home tomorrow to have my mother help with my taxes so I called my boss and demanded my w2. She gave me some excuse of "things getting lost in the mail" and told me that she was sending my paperwork to the store again today. I have to have it by tomorrow before I get off of work so we'll see what happens. I was really fired up about all of this yesterday but I've chilled a little since then. There is no use losing sleep over something that I can't control. I keep telling myself that it will only a few months and I will move onto something different. I know that these months will go by quickly and when I'm gone I will miss Hays but it's my time to leave. I've done all that I can in this town.
I'm not sure why I've chosen to get all sentimental in this entry. I guess it's because I've had a bit too much time to think today and that always gets me into trouble.
well, I'm going to stop this lengthy story soaked in cheese before I begin spouting sonnets and day dreaming about skipping through marigolds.
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersen, adieu
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
