I'm at work on a slow Friday and unfortunately I'm stuck here until 9:00 this evening. I am not a huge fan of closing shifts but I'll manage because I don't really have another choice.
I wish I could say that I have magically found my path and I'm in the best mood ever but I would be lying to you. The zombie mania has carried over into this week and I'm still utterly confused and depressed. I'm very tired of sounding like the damsel in distress. I'm sick of wallowing in my self pity but, above all things, I'm sick of being sad. This post graduation purgatory is breaking my spirit. I know that I will come out of this whole thing a stronger person but right now I am at my weakest point. I didn't realize just how bad things were getting until last night.
After a pointless 6 hr shift at work I hung out with one of my co workers until 8 pm. We talked and things were fine until I went home. I sat in my bedroom, turned on some music and the loneliness began to creep in. My roommate was with her fiance and I was alone in my apartment. To make myself feel something different than alone I drank a beer. I assumed that this was normal so it didn't phase me. I watched some tv, felt more alone and before I knew it the beer was gone...I grabbed another. It was quickly emptied and then I didn't have any other alcohol except for some rum in my freezer so I made myself a drink. After I finished that drink I was, inevitably intoxicated. The indie rock music had run it's course through my cd player and I was again alone. I sat in my bedroom and longed for some sort of social interaction but it never came. I fell asleep and woke up at 4 am to a loud noise coming from my living room. I was too scared to check out the situation so I turned on my tv for some background noise and prayed that I would be safe through the night. The loneliness that I thought the alcohol had killed was beating at my heart like a hammer. Thoughts raced through my mind and I finally managed to sleep after quieting them down.
This morning I woke up feeling awful. Did I actually drink myself into oblivion on my own? Since when did I do this sort of thing? How on earth did I think that numbing myself would take everything away? I played the role of the crazy party girl during my first few years of college. I still step back into that role when friends come to town and we drink "to have fun". Last night I drank to ease my troubled mind and I was totally alone. I refuse to turn into a person that has to rely on alcohol to put me in a "good" mood. It's safe to say that if I don't pull myself out of this black hole soon I will be trotting down the path to alcoholism.
Like an idiot, I got onto facebook last night and wrote on my friend's walls telling them how much I miss them. I also announced to the entire facebook community that I was drinking rum by myself. In a rum haze this morning I checked my profile again and found that one of my student's mothers had written me a personal message. She wasn't scolding me by any means but she was simply offering some much needed advice because she could tell that I haven't been myself lately. Her kind words made me realize that I have an amazing support group and when I'm down I should rely on them instead of the toxic combination of beer and rum. It's funny how people always manage to come to your side even when you feel like there is no one out there.
I need a change. If I don't take control over my own life again I will be miserable and my dreams will be even further away than they feel right now. I need to become proactive. Above all things I need to start playing the leading lady in my own life as opposed to the apathetic, self destructive best friend who ruins her life. I don't know exactly how to become myself again but I have to do something. I can't live with this mess inside of myself.
If I manage to figure anything out I'll keep you posted
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