Update time!

wow...I don't even know where to begin. It has definitely been awhile since I have blogged and I apologize. Life has gotten the best of me. With that said, I will attempt to update you all on what has been going on in my life.

After a few weeks working at Claire's I realized that the job wasn't going to work out. I grew tired of being on a corperate lease. I turned in my two weeks and my last day was April 27th. I ended up moving back to Lindsborg after that and it has been a good thing for me.

New York was awesome but then again, it always is. I am still debating whether or not I want to move there though. I've been debating a lot of things recently. I'm not sure if professional musical theater is the career that I want to have. I guess you could say that I'm a little lost in terms of my life's direction. More on this in future entries...

I spent about a month wallowing in my self pity because I didn't have a job in Lindsborg. My money supply was dwindleing and I knew that things needed change. What I didn't realize is that I wasn't giving myself enough time to heal from my depression. The panic attacks started again and I thought that things were never going to get better. It seems that things have started to turn around in the last few weeks. My therapy sessions have been going well. I'm learning to take life one day at a time and not freak out because of my lack of direction. I also finally got a job as a barista in the local coffee shop. I have only been working there for a week and a half but I absolutely love it. The people are wonderful, the drinks are fun to make and I'm finally making some money again which is nice.

Other than that, there hasn't been much going on in my life. I'm just trying to relax this summer and let life pan out how it's supposed to. I do miss Hays but I know that I never would have moved on with my life if I stayed there. My next goal in life is to move out of my mom's house. that is the only goal I have set and once I acheive that I will move onto something else.

well, i guess that's it for now. I don't have much more to say. I promise to keep this updated better than I have.

Peace and Clarity

Laura

Signs

It amazes me how much can change in the course of a week. Things have been happening so quickly that I haven't had time to think about anything...maybe that is a good thing. Let me elaborate...

My last entry was spawned by another unfortunate epsiode with the opposite sex and the culmination of an on going depression that I have only recently decided to acknowledge. Yes, I said depression but things are looking up (and I'm seeing a therapist next weekend). On Thursday I was sitting at work and the AC decided to stop working. Granted, it isn't very hot outside right now but when there are more than 10 people in the store it feels like an inferno so it's nice to have a little bit of air flow. Later that day I was informed that there was no malfunction with the AC. It was simply shut off because my boss neglected to pay the bill. So, I said to myself "Seriously, what else can go wrong right now?" It got worse. As I sat in a pool of my own sweat and tried to fan myself with whatever mail was lying around I was greeted by an older man with a stern look on his face. He looked at me and said "hi, can you please give Lois a call for me?" I agreed and while the phone was ringing I looking at the polo he was wearing. The logo on his left shoulder said "Commercial Sign" and then it all made sense. The store has been open since August and our signs outside and inside the store have been complete since October. Lois owes them more than $6,000 and has yet to even contact them about any sort of payment. They are really nice guys with families to feed and my boss has chosen to avoid them altogether. She answered the phone and when I told her who wanted to speak to her there was dead silence on the other end followed by "tell him I'm...ummm...(silence)...in...the middle of.....ummm...something and I'll give him a call later" She quickly hung up the phone before I could even relay the message to Bruce (the sign fellow).

I put the phone down, gave him a knowing look and told him that she was "in the middle of something". He rolled his eyes and gave me 2 different numbers that she can call. We talked for awhile and I apologized for Lois' actions even though it's not my fault in the least. I also told him that my last paycheck bounced. this is a true story, folks. I had to wait 3 days to get fully paid back in cash. Bruce and I had a decent talk and I felt really bad for the guy. Everyone is hurting for money right now and Lois' irresponsibility is causing his situation to be worse. We said our goodbyes and right as he was walking out he said "oh yeah, tell her that if she doesn't call us by monday you won't have any signs outside your store anymore." Hell yeah Bruce! Stick it to the man!

I continued my hellacious shift at work with my blood boiling and sweat pouring down my face. How dare she lie to me again! I am a really nice person and don't deserve to be treated that way! Also, you shouldn't lie to a person who has basically hit rock bottom and is sending herself into therapy. I'm a little fragile right now. I cried behind the cash register and literally felt like there was no end to this ridiculous-ness that has taken over my life. Before I let any customers see tears streaming down my face I sent a few text messages to friends to make me feel better. One of my best friends, Aubony, served as a guiding light for me without even knowing it.

I believe I sent her a message saying something about my terrible job and how I wish that life didn't suck anymore. She responded with a similar message saying that she had to work an 11 hr shift because her assistant manager decided not to show up. Ironically, I received this message as I was browsing the classifieds. After my shift was over, I went to visit my poor, tired friend at her place of work...which is Claire's by the way. I failed to mention that. She told me that they were, inevitably, looking for a new assistant manager. On a whim, I applied. By that evening I set up an interview for the following day. Yesterday, I went in for the interview was guaranteed my same pay plus benefits and set hours. Paid vacation, paid holidays, health insurance! I haven't had health insurance in a year and half. All of this sounded pretty awesome and I get to work with Aubony which is always wonderful. So, this morning I got up enough courage to call my current employer and tell her to shove it. Of course, I didn't phrase it like that. I was perfectly nice and she was pretty cool with me, oddly enough. I failed to mention the new job. I just told her everything else that is going on in my life and said I needed some down time to recharge my battery. this is all true but I have a feeling that there will be some bad blood once she finds out that I will be working down the hall from her store...oops.

Needless to say, these last few days have been a whirlwind of craziness. I don't know if working in another retail store will be good for me but anything is better than the things that I have been dealing with right now. I guess I'm not moving back home...at least for the time being. All I can say is that life has a really weird way of working out. I don't think I should make plans anymore because, obviously, this all wasn't part of the plan. I feel better and I guess, right now, that is all that matters.

P.S. I now have black hair. I was in need of change and boy, did things change. I still can't decide if I like it

Throwing in the Towel

"Paradise is not found in your surroundings. It is found in those who surround you" I got this quote a few years ago from an amazing english teacher who wore bright haiwaiian shorts everyday, even in the dead of winter. We were reading the book "Frankenstein" and discussing romanticism. Dr. Frankenstein was a romantic who traveled to distant places to find some sort of peace within himself. What he didn't realize was that the paradise he was seeking was right in front of his face. 

Right now I feel like that is case with me. I keep telling myself that as soon as I move things will be different and I will somehow regain my sanity and drive. I've been convinced that I can travel to distant places by myself and that is how I will find true happiness. What I'm failing to see is that paradise and happiness is all around me. It's in the faces of my friends, the way that my students laugh at my horrible piano playing, the way my sisters deal with my crazy phone calls at 2 am after my heart has been broken for the millionth time. That is true paradise and I wish that I could bottle it up and take a big drink when I'm feeling like I am today.

I can't seem to settle the storm inside of my head. Some days I feel wonderful other days I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I am literally at the end of my rope. I can't seem to find any sort of inner peace and until I do I will be unhappy no matter where I live. I don't know who I am anymore and I'm starting to believe that I never will again. At the end of the day I crawl into bed alone and lonely and I feel like something is missing. 

There's an emptiness inside of me that, at times, seems to burn. My life has been so out of control lately and I don't have anyone that will just hold me and let me cry and tell me that everything will be ok. I've been a strong single woman for a very long time and I want someone to help lighten the load so to speak. I keep thinking that there must be something wrong with me because I've almost had happy relationships and then something goes wrong. I realize there is some sort of master plan for all of this but I need some kind of answer before I go completely crazy. 

I want the world to leave me alone for awhile and just let me sleep. I really want a day off but there is no one who can work for me. I may not be physically sick but I have a bad case of mental and emotion pnemonia. 

Alright, I'm done for now. 

Seeking Solace in the Small Things

Hello hello!

I haven't updated this blog in awhile and, to be honest, it's because I got tired of repeating the "sob" story of my life. Wallowing in your self pity gets old after awhile. 

I am happy to report that I am doing better. I still feel utterly lost but I've come to terms with that and I'm trying to make the most of my directionless life. I've spent too many hours alone in my bedroom thinking about ways that my life can be better. Regardless of everything I've been going through I still have a great life with a wonderful family and phenomenal friends who accept me through it all. I need to remember that each time I feel like my life is horrible. I still have a job (even though I hate it), I still have a roof over my head and I'm not hurting for money. A lot of people don't have that luxury especially right now with the wretched economy. I'm lucky and shouldn't take that for granted. *jumps off soapbox*

Life has been a bit boring recently. I haven't had a lot going on and I'm beginning to think that that is ok. I spent my weekend with my family in Lindsborg and brought a few Hays friends with me. We all had a great time. I don't think I've laughed that much in a really long time. I needed that mini vacation so that I can tackle the next 3 weeks. I have to work everyone else's hours because 3 of the 5 people I work with are going on vacation. It all doesn't seem fair but I will get my vacation soon. In less than 2 months I will be on a plane to New York City for some rest and relaxation with some of my favorite people. I've been writing down all of the things that I want to do when I return to the city and each time I read it I get more excited...and impatient. I need to take things one day at a time though because there are lots of things that I have to do before I head out of state.

Even though I have taken a break from vocal lessons, my professor is having me sing in a recital at the beginning of April. The composer of our opera will be showcasing some of his songs and he will also be playing the piano for me. I'm excited to start singing again because my time away has really made me realize that I was meant to be a singer for the rest of my life. The day after the recital I will be portraying Barbra Streisand in a dinner theater with the Heartland community theater. I'm going to be singing "Don't Rain on my Parade" and "People". I'm not a huge Babs fan but it will be nice to be onstage again. I'm a little stressed because these two very different performances are basically back to back and I hope they don't conflict with each other. I have to iron out all of the details this week.

My goal this week is to be as productive as possible. Granted, I will be working a lot but I also want to start packing up my things and getting everything together so that moving won't be stressful. I realize it's a little early to be packing because I'm not moving for another month and a half but I don't want to procrastinate either. We'll see if I am actually as productive as I would like to be.

well, with that said I'm going to continue filling my last 4 hours at retail therapy. Happy Tuesday!

Picking up the Pieces of a Shattered Spirit

I'm at work on a slow Friday and unfortunately I'm stuck here until 9:00 this evening. I am not a huge fan of closing shifts but I'll manage because I don't really have another choice.

I wish I could say that I have magically found my path and I'm in the best mood ever but I would be lying to you. The zombie mania has carried over into this week and I'm still utterly confused and depressed. I'm very tired of sounding like the damsel in distress. I'm sick of wallowing in my self pity but, above all things, I'm sick of being sad. This post graduation purgatory is breaking my spirit. I know that I will come out of this whole thing a stronger person but right now I am at my weakest point. I didn't realize just how bad things were getting until last night.

After a pointless 6 hr shift at work I hung out with one of my co workers until 8 pm. We talked and things were fine until I went home. I sat in my bedroom, turned on some music and the loneliness began to creep in. My roommate was with her fiance and I was alone in my apartment. To make myself feel something different than alone I drank a beer. I assumed that this was normal so it didn't phase me. I watched some tv, felt more alone and before I knew it the beer was gone...I grabbed another. It was quickly emptied and then I didn't have any other alcohol except for some rum in my freezer so I made myself a drink. After I finished that drink I was, inevitably intoxicated. The indie rock music had run it's course through my cd player and I was again alone. I sat in my bedroom and longed for some sort of social interaction but it never came. I fell asleep and woke up at 4 am to a loud noise coming from my living room. I was too scared to check out the situation so I turned on my tv for some background noise and prayed that I would be safe through the night. The loneliness that I thought the alcohol had killed was beating at my heart like a hammer. Thoughts raced through my mind and I finally managed to sleep after quieting them down.

This morning I woke up feeling awful. Did I actually drink myself into oblivion on my own? Since when did I do this sort of thing? How on earth did I think that numbing myself would take everything away? I played the role of the crazy party girl during my first few years of college. I still step back into that role when friends come to town and we drink "to have fun". Last night I drank to ease my troubled mind and I was totally alone. I refuse to turn into a person that has to rely on alcohol to put me in a "good" mood. It's safe to say that if I don't pull myself out of this black hole soon I will be trotting down the path to alcoholism.

Like an idiot, I got onto facebook last night and wrote on my friend's walls telling them how much I miss them. I also announced to the entire facebook community that I was drinking rum by myself. In a rum haze this morning I checked my profile again and found that one of my student's mothers had written me a personal message. She wasn't scolding me by any means but she was simply offering some much needed advice because she could tell that I haven't been myself lately. Her kind words made me realize that I have an amazing support group and when I'm down I should rely on them instead of the toxic combination of beer and rum. It's funny how people always manage to come to your side even when you feel like there is no one out there.

I need a change. If I don't take control over my own life again I will be miserable and my dreams will be even further away than they feel right now. I need to become proactive. Above all things I need to start playing the leading lady in my own life as opposed to the apathetic, self destructive best friend who ruins her life. I don't know exactly how to become myself again but I have to do something. I can't live with this mess inside of myself.

If I manage to figure anything out I'll keep you posted

Invasion of the Laura snatchers

You know how I said "when you're lost you can find paths that you never knew existed"?...I'm not nearly so optimistic about life today. For the last two weeks I have felt an emotional storm brewing deep inside me and occasionally it rears its ugly head.

I have grown tired of my meaningless hours at work. I even dusted today in order to make myself feel like I actually have a purpose. It didn't work. All I do is sit here and think about life and how I have no control over what the future holds. Last week I had a horrible vocal lesson with my professor and after it was over I cried...not just cried...I sobbed to the point of not being able to breathe. During my sob session I had a million thoughts run through my head and one of them was "why is music not fun anymore?". I have been struggling with this since then. Each time I try to practice it's like pulling teeth. I feel like I can't sing anymore. After 15 minutes of pointless practicing I will just stare at the piano and tears will well up once again. I'm not myself anymore and I don't like the pod person who has taken over my body.

I literally feel like a zombie. I walk around every day with a certain apathy and life has lost its luster. I used to have a sparkle especially while I was onstage. I don't know where that sparkle has gone. I had a lesson yesterday and when Dr. P asked how everything was I immediately let out the water works. He really listened to me and tried his best to help. We both decided that it will be good for me to take a month off and find my drive again. My only assignment this month is to watch broadway divas in their element and rent musicals that I've never seen before so that maybe I will return to my normal self. Only time will tell if that actually happens.

I have to admit I am very afraid right now. I have been a singer since I was old enough to talk and without music what am I? I don't want to give up all of my dreams. I still want to be a professional performer but I feel like everything is far out of my reach right now. I've been an extremely passionate person my entire life and it really bothers me that all of my passion is gone. I realize that we all go through this to some extent during life but I'm exhausted and emotionally drained. I'm also tried of being so bipolar...didn't I just write about being in a fantastic mood and everything?? I don't know what is wrong with me but I think it's safe to say that I am a mess. I hope above all hopes that my upcoming New York vacation will send some answers my way. I can't live like this much longer.

The Aftermath

Well, I survived Valentine's day. I took on the day with a big bag of chocolate and a bottle of wine. I guess it was my way of numbing myself. I know that sounds terrible but, in a way, it's true. I spent my evening with two of my best friends and we talked and watched old horror films together. It was a great way to end the worst holiday of the year. My friends are fantastic and I'm really going to miss them when I move. I had to work in the evening on Valentine's day so I spent my morning/afternoon making a video for one of my best friends in New York. She's a little bummed right now and I wanted to do something for her even though I'm so far away. I filmed different places around Hays that have some meaning to the both of us. Overall, the video turned out really nice. I was very pleased with myself. I hope to make more videos for friends in the future.

I bought my juicer the other day and it's not as amazing as I thought it would be. I almost used an entire package of blueberries, about 9 strawberries and almost a whole bag of carrots to get a little under 12 oz of juice. I decided to bring some homemade juice to work for lunch and barely got through 1/4 of it when I felt like I was going to puke. Needless to say I poured the rest of it out and I haven't tried to use the juicer since. I'm hoping that I can get things together and make the most of my purchase.

Other than the juicing shenanigans I don't have a lot going on right now. I am planning another trip to NYC at the beginning of May. I decided that I want to put my tax return to some good use so I'm booking my tickets later this week. I think it will be good for me to go back to the city and see if I really want to move there. I also miss my friends that live there. I'm hoping that I find my drive once again once I go back to the city. I've been walking around like a passionless zombie recently and I don't really know what makes me happy anymore. I want to feel like myself again.

Well, I think I'm going to end this entry now and figure out something else to do with my remaining 4 1/2 hrs of work.

lovelovelove!

Healthy Heart

I feel fantastic today blueberries!

And you know what the best part is??? I have no idea why I am such a good mood but I hope that this glorious feeling continues. Well, I guess I kind of know why. Let me elaborate...

In previous entries I've written about a very interesting class I took a few years ago called "sociology of death and dying". When I first enrolled in the class I was a little hesitant because of the subject matter but it turned out to be my favorite class that I have taken at FHSU. (No-this blog entry is not all about death and such things). Anywho, during the class we watched a segment of Oprah where she had a few cancer patients talk about their survival and how they cope with the disease day to day. That was when I was first introduced to the "crazy sexy cancer" goddess known as Kris Carr. When she was diagnosed she was an aspiring actress in NYC. On Valentine's day of 2003 the doctors told her that she had stage 4 cancer of the vascular system. This is a rare type of cancer and there is no stage 5. She immediately dealved into a new lifestyle of veggies, meditation and dancing and is now comfortably living with her cancer at a standstill and some of her tumors have actually started to shrink. She made a documentary called Crazy Sexy Cancer and I bought it the other day. I was incredibly inspired by her story and even though I don't have cancer (and hope I never will) I've decided to adapt some of her daily routines.

In the documentary, she talks about how she dances to one song every morning because it puts her in a good mood. I danced to a song this morning and I probably looked terribly silly but when I got done I felt awesome. I have also started to meditate for 5 minutes a day. It's simply a practice that clears your mind and helps you focus on yourself instead of all the other things that are going on in the world. I haven't felt this much mental clarity in quite some time. I'm not a buddhist or anything. I just take some quiet time for myself each morning because if I didn't I would probably go insane.

Also (this is my favorite part) I am going to buy a juicer and a blender with my tax return and start making my own veggie vixen juices and smoothies. My body has felt really out of whack recently and I believe that it has a lot to do with what I have been putting into my body. I think I will feel much better if I start eating healthier and I can't wait to try out some new recipes I've found. I'm also going to try and cut diet pop and coffee out of my diet. We'll see if that happens though.

I feel refreshed today and I love that. I haven't felt this good since I graduated in May. Slowly, I'm coming to terms with this transistional period in my life. I will come out of this a stronger and better person.

I know I won' eat healthy all the time...this sort of thing is inevitable. In fact I know that on Valentine's day all bets are off. Along with the fruits and veggies that I bought last night, I also bought a bag of dove chocolate for myself. On Valentine's day evening when I get off of work, I plan on drinking some wine, eating some chocolate and settling down with a 3 dvd set of old horror films featuring Vincent Price and Bela Lugosi. I am actually really looking forward to this and I can't wait for Valentines day to get here. I never thought I would say that. I do want a companion but since I don't have one I will simply take that day to love myself and my love for b horror films and chocolate. I don't know how the bold function just got turned on but now I don't know how to turn it off. I guess I'll stop writing for now. Have a peaceful monday!

Cheesy Cabin Fever

Happy Wednesday milk duds,
It's 1:30 and I still have and hour and a half left at work. I have run out of online tv shows to watch and now I am ridiculously bored. Business has been decent today but right now I'm stuck in a never ending lull. I've played many games of mahjong..so much so that I see tiny Chinese tiles with pandas on them when I close my eyes. I read a few chapters in the Margaret Atwood book I jumped into a few weeks ago. She's a beautiful writer but even her words get boring after so long. So basicially I'm sitting here doing nothing at work, waiting for my time to leave so I can head off to the lesson that I haven't prepared for. A part of me wishes that Dr. P would be forgiving but I have a feeling that won't be this case. *sigh* bored....bored...bored

The opera went very well this weekend. My mother came on Saturday night to watch the performance. When she got out of the car I realized just how much I have missed her recently. We talk almost everyday but there's nothing that makes me happier than getting a huge hug from her and hearing her tell me that everything is going to be ok. After the show was over, as I was greeting the audience, I saw a few tears escape from her eyes. When I asked her why she was crying she just said that she was really proud of me. She has seen me in a million productions but each time she says those words I get a bit teary eyed myself. I like making her proud. This opera was a bittersweet experience for me because it is officially my last show at FHSU. I'm sure that the directors would be thrilled to give me the lead in the fall production for "Sweet Charity" but I can't keep reliving my college glory days. It's time to bite the bullet and grow up. There are many characters I have yet to play and many songs I have yet to sing. I only hope that I will find them in the near future. I grow tired of this uncertainty but, I've already written about that numerous times so I won't bore you with another "woe is me" sentence.

My work situation continues to frustrate me, then again when doesn't it? I've had the worse time trying to get my w2 from my boss. By law I was supposed to have it by Saturday. It is now Wednesday and I haven't seen it. I am headed home tomorrow to have my mother help with my taxes so I called my boss and demanded my w2. She gave me some excuse of "things getting lost in the mail" and told me that she was sending my paperwork to the store again today. I have to have it by tomorrow before I get off of work so we'll see what happens. I was really fired up about all of this yesterday but I've chilled a little since then. There is no use losing sleep over something that I can't control. I keep telling myself that it will only a few months and I will move onto something different. I know that these months will go by quickly and when I'm gone I will miss Hays but it's my time to leave. I've done all that I can in this town.

I'm not sure why I've chosen to get all sentimental in this entry. I guess it's because I've had a bit too much time to think today and that always gets me into trouble.

well, I'm going to stop this lengthy story soaked in cheese before I begin spouting sonnets and day dreaming about skipping through marigolds.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersen, adieu

Short but Meaningful

Happy Friday!
I don't have a lot to say today and that's probably a good thing because my last blog was rather lengthy. I just wanted to say that I'm tired of being so down in the dumps all the time. I don't know what has come over me recently but I have lost touch with happy go lucky Laura.

I guess it's just a weird time in my life and I should stop trying so hard to find answers. There's a plan for everyone and mine will make itself known when I least expect it. Yes, I'm unhappy with my job and current situation in life but that doesn't me that I have to be unhappy. It is possible to be happily lost. When you're lost you can find paths that you never knew existed...right? It's weird but writing that statement really made me feel better.

Sorry I'm not making much sense this morning. I basically wanted to let my blog readers..er...I mean reader ;) know that I will be ok. It's ok for me to be alone right now because I really need to figure out who I am and what I want from life. Life isn't nearly as dramatic as I make it out to be. What can I say, I'm an actress and we thrive on drama

Have a fantastic weekend peaches!

Alone and yet Alive

I'm a little blue today sweet cheeks,
It's a Tuesday and I am back in the boundaries of my retail prison. I had a few days off and it was nice to step away from the store and try to regain my sanity. I will let you know when/if that ever happens...

For reasons unknown to me, my hours have been cut. I worked a whopping 20 hrs last week and this week I am scheduled for the same. I guess it was some sort of scheduling error but I'm supposed to be working full time. 20 hours a week sure sounds like part time to me. This, on top of a multitude of other things, has been adding to my frustration with my current situation in life. The "savings" that I have been working hard to maintain is starting to bite the dust because of my new part time position. I'm glad I had something saved because I would be really broke right now if I hadn't. things will be tight but I'm sure I'll make it through the next few weeks.

My boss still continues to irritate me. I was planning a nice trip home on Feb 6-8 but because of her irresponsibility I now have to cut that visit short. She "can't work those hours because she's so busy with other things". What those "other things" are I will never know. I have already informed my co workers that if I don't find a job before hand my last day here will be on April 23. At that time I will be packing up my things and heading back to the borg to, hopefully, find my path once again.

I have managed to think myself into a depression within the last few days. I keep coming up with future plans but I never follow through with them. I'm trying to decide if grad school is the best idea for me. But, what else is there? My degree isn't very useful. One of my biggest fears is that I will just continue hopping from miserable job to miserable job and never be happy with life again. Last year I thought I had all the answers..it's funny to think about that now.

My head is so full of thoughts and concerns that I haven't been able to sleep recently. I stare at my clock until 3 or 4 am and pray that sleep will come. I am a zombie by the time 8 am rolls around but I have to get out of bed anyway. This is no way to live life. I realized yesterday as I was drinking a cup of coffee at my favorite local coffee shop that I spend way too much time by myself. When I am at work, I am alone. When I have days off, I am alone even when have a free evening, I am still alone. When I'm alone all I do is think about what I should be doing with my life or how I should be handling issues that have been brought before me. I think about these things so much that I don't have room for happy thoughts anymore. I really don't like that. As I sat with my cafe ole yesterday and watched to snow fall on the streets I was surrounded by many fellow caffeine addicts but I still felt alone. I've been single for 24 years and you would think by now I would be used to it but my loneliness gnaws at me everyday

I assume that life is figure itself out before long and I apologize if it seems that I am complaining. I always get a little sad around this time of year because valentine's day is looming in the distance. My roommate also just got engaged and while I am overjoyed for her it has made me realize just how alone I feel. When that horrible day in February comes all I will have to keep me company is a bag of dove chocolate and a twinge of hope for the future.

Someday my ship will come in...

Changing for the Better

Happy Friday Sugar Plums,

Once again I'm killing time at work. It's a slow Friday but, then again, every day is slow so I shouldn't be surprised. I know I shouldn't write a blog about my store's financial issues but I'm going to and I'll deal with the consequences if they happen to arise.

I am a little concerned today. The failing economy has definitely taken it's toll on the store and I have a very strong feeling that we will close our doors soon. I can't blame this all on the economy though because my boss can't seem to manage her finances. I was informed yesterday that the guys who put up our sign have not been paid yet. Keep in mind, we have been open for a good 5 months now and this should have been dealt with. The sign guys informed us that they visited the court house before coming to our store and the money will get to them "whether we like it or not". If it were up to me I would have paid them on the spot but I don't have the authority to do so. I am the "manager" of this store but I have no clue what goes on half the time. There are many other people that have not been paid and my boss has chosen to avoid their phone calls, making no attempt whatsoever to pay them in any way. I am angry that I have gotten myself into this situation. I should have trusted my instincts when I took this position but the daydream of this job sucked me in. The daydream is now over and reality is slapping me in the face. I have tried to remain positive about my place of work. I have stood up for my boss when others talked down to her, I have dealt with the bill collectors calling non-stop and I have sat on my ass for too many hours. I'm tired and I need a change.

There is one problem with this "change" though. I'm only going to be in hays for 3 1/2 more months and trying to find a job right now is ridiculous. I've been browsing the classifieds and have found nothing. I feel helpless and I hate that more than I can say. All I want to is to straighten out my life and live comfortably. I want a job that is somewhat rewarding but what I really want to do is go back to school. I'm still trying to get things in line for Stella Adler but this lack of job security has been on my mind and has gotten in the way of what I want. I guess it's silly to have such big dreams when things are so uncertain. I still intend to turn this around and I refuse to let anything stop me.

I'm just stuck. I want to find a job that I can tolerate for another 4 months and then forget about. I am tired of being lied to at this job and I'm sick of how unreliable my boss has become. I'm starting to complain right now so I will stop. I'll keep you posted on what goes on in my life.

Big Apple, Big Mountains, Big Plans

Good Morning Peaches!

I am, once again, at good ol' Retail Therapy wasting time on the internet because business refuses to pick up. The mall is eerily quiet and I'm getting a touch of cabin fever. I only have 3 1/2 more hours left here. Today is a shorter shift for me because at 3:30 I am going to be shooting a commercial for Nex Tech. One of the representatives called me at the store on Wednesday and asked if I would interested in filming a commercial for their valentine's day promotion. Of course I said yes. I am playing a contestant on a love connection type game show and I fall in love with Lightening Jack (big bunny rabbit that is the nex tech mascot). The overall plot is a little cheesy but I get paid for it so I can't complain very much. I'm excited that I actually get to film a commercial finally. It was a bit of a tease when I was scheduled to film a few months ago and never got the chance. If I end up getting a dvd of it I will try to be technically savy and post the video on this blog. I've never done that before but I'm sure it is rather simple. I'll let you know how everything goes.

My diet continues and I feel good. I've become a veggie and fruit fiend recently and my body feels a lot better. Since my last blog I have lost 4 lbs and I will continue to do so. The pound plunge has started here in Hays and my weekly weigh is on Thursday. I thought that my weekend away would really screw things up but I managed to maintain the weight loss. yay for being healthy!!!

I had a wonderful time in Colorado with the family. It was nice to get away from Hays for awhile and see the mountains. I forgot how absolutely beautiful they are. If I wasn't so hellbent on NYC I would consider moving to Colorado but I don't think that is in the cards for me right now. It's always nice to go visit though and I wish I could travel more often...maybe I'll be able to after I make my millions...

Speaking of the big apple, I am slowly getting my application ready for Stella Adler. I've requested letters of recommendation from 2 of my college professors and should receive them tomorrow after work. I am also going to print off the actual application while I'm galavanting around campus tomorrow. Hopefully my headshots will be scheduled in the near future. I've been pricing professional photographers around town and my mom thinks I might get a better deal in Lindsborg. I will continue to check things out and further the application process. My biggest obstacle should be getting my audition dvd together. I need to find monologues and a dvd recorder and a videographer with some spare time. I am going to make this happen though. I don't like my current situation in life and I am determined to turn things around. oh yeah, an added benefit to Stella Adler is the guest teachers. Apparently, Benecio Del Toro, Olympia Dukakis and Philip Seymour Hoffman all teach at the school from time to time. I may be hitting it off with the stars before you know it! More information will come as my plans progress.

I really feel settled when I think of going back to get my masters. Before I just had plans to move to NYC and find a random job but with another degree I'm sure I will have many more options and it's inevitable that I will be part of a decent network. I hope I get accepted.

My first rehearsal for the opera was on Sunday. I didn't have the whole thing memorized but Dr. P didn't really seem to notice. I was a little worried but things turned out just fine. I have another rehearsal this evening after I get done filming my commercial. It will be a long day but at least it's full of things that actually interest me and I won't be stuck behind this god forsaken counter all day.

With that said I am going to continue my internet browsing and bid you all a warm farewell.

By the way, I want to give a big shout out to my dear sister Lisa for reading my blog because I'm pretty sure no one else does. Love you Deeda!!

2009 will be Stella!!

Well Kittens, it's 2009 and I have a great feeling about this year. 2008 was awesome and I know, deep down that 2009 will be even better. Provided the economy starts to dig itself out of the gaping whole that it is right now. I only say this because I have been sitting at work for a good 2 hrs and have barely sold $100 worth of merchandise. I guess everyone got their fill of retail therapy during the holidays. I must say that the holidays were good to us. It has been a crazy 2 months and I am glad that it's all over. I never thought I would breathe a sigh of relief while taking down a Christmas tree but I let out a few while taking decorations down the other day. I love the holidays but I also like to see them go. The food was great but did a number on my diet. I guess that's why we have New year's resolutions, eh?

I am in much better spirits since I last blogged. I'm not sure if it's the beginning of a new year that has lightened my mood or if it's simply the fact that I've stopped worrying myself into neurosis. Regardless, I am happier...not completely happy but I have getting there slowly. I feel like the quarter life crisis is melting away like the piles of snow that accumulated on the sidewalk downtown. They are still there but are getting smaller each day and before too long they will cease to exist.

Now that business has died down a bit I am starting to focus on myself again. As I said before, I am getting back into a regular gym routine and moderating my chocolate intake. It amazes me how fantastic I feel after a good workout. I love the rush. I am also going to be in the college opera that opens on January 31st. We are performing Richard Faith's "The Little Match Stick Girl". It's a short, modern opera based on an old fairy tale about a young girl who sells matchsticks to make a living. She ends up freezing in the streets and dies of hypothermia (happy times huh) Her grandmother (yours truly) appears as a ghost who takes her up to heaven. I don't have a big role but it will be nice to be onstage again. I'm supposed to have the whole thing memorized by next Friday and I have yet to look at it. I guess I know what I'll be doing this week. I wish I didn't procrastinate as much as I do. It only causes me to worry.

I will have some time to look over the opera next week as I am driving to Colorado. I haven't been out to visit my family in the longest time so I decided that there is no time like the present. It will be good to get out of Hays for awhile and hang out with my dad. Luckily one of my sisters is going with me so I don't have to make the drive all by myself. I'm not a big fan of driving.

Let's see...I am still teaching lessons and loving every minute of it. I added a new student to my studio. He is a 16 yr old boy and needless to say, teaching him has been a learning experience. I normally teach middle school aged girls and each day I'm learning what I need to teach an older boy. I have grown as a teacher but I am still certain that I was meant to perform. I am still taking lessons as well. I haven't had one in 3 weeks but that is because of winter break. They should be starting up before too long and I'm excited. I've discovered something that I am extremely excited about and I want to discuss it with Dr. P.

I was pretty bored at work yesterday so I decided to google "Acting schools NYC". I clicked on a few links and found nothing special. I was about to close out the search when I stumbled upon an interesting website. I found a school called the "Stella Adler studio of acting". I looked around and they offer a 2.5 yr conservatory program that sounds so incredibly awesome. I can't even put into words how amazing it all sounds. The classes focus on a range of different areas dealing with the stage from intensive Shakespeare work to ballet. Everything sounds like exactly what I need to make my dreams come true. After completing the program I will have the equivilent of an MFA (masters of fine arts). The cost is decent too especially for a grad school in NYC. A lot of famous people have graduated from Stella Adler including Selma Hayek, Marlon Brando and Robert De Niro. I don't know if I will be able to make all of this happen but I am going to try my hardest. The deadline for my application is March 15. I have to send in a resume, headshots, 2 letters of recommendation, my application, an audition DVD and a $50 non-refundable application fee. Classes would start in September and I would find it really interesting if they started on my birthday. I have to discuss the topic with Dr. P and my parents but I want to make this happen. wish me luck!

well, I think that's all for now. I'm going to continue being bored at work and hope that the next 3 hrs fly by. I hope that life is treating everyone well!