Throwing in the Towel

"Paradise is not found in your surroundings. It is found in those who surround you" I got this quote a few years ago from an amazing english teacher who wore bright haiwaiian shorts everyday, even in the dead of winter. We were reading the book "Frankenstein" and discussing romanticism. Dr. Frankenstein was a romantic who traveled to distant places to find some sort of peace within himself. What he didn't realize was that the paradise he was seeking was right in front of his face. 

Right now I feel like that is case with me. I keep telling myself that as soon as I move things will be different and I will somehow regain my sanity and drive. I've been convinced that I can travel to distant places by myself and that is how I will find true happiness. What I'm failing to see is that paradise and happiness is all around me. It's in the faces of my friends, the way that my students laugh at my horrible piano playing, the way my sisters deal with my crazy phone calls at 2 am after my heart has been broken for the millionth time. That is true paradise and I wish that I could bottle it up and take a big drink when I'm feeling like I am today.

I can't seem to settle the storm inside of my head. Some days I feel wonderful other days I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I am literally at the end of my rope. I can't seem to find any sort of inner peace and until I do I will be unhappy no matter where I live. I don't know who I am anymore and I'm starting to believe that I never will again. At the end of the day I crawl into bed alone and lonely and I feel like something is missing. 

There's an emptiness inside of me that, at times, seems to burn. My life has been so out of control lately and I don't have anyone that will just hold me and let me cry and tell me that everything will be ok. I've been a strong single woman for a very long time and I want someone to help lighten the load so to speak. I keep thinking that there must be something wrong with me because I've almost had happy relationships and then something goes wrong. I realize there is some sort of master plan for all of this but I need some kind of answer before I go completely crazy. 

I want the world to leave me alone for awhile and just let me sleep. I really want a day off but there is no one who can work for me. I may not be physically sick but I have a bad case of mental and emotion pnemonia. 

Alright, I'm done for now.