Invasion of the Laura snatchers

You know how I said "when you're lost you can find paths that you never knew existed"?...I'm not nearly so optimistic about life today. For the last two weeks I have felt an emotional storm brewing deep inside me and occasionally it rears its ugly head.

I have grown tired of my meaningless hours at work. I even dusted today in order to make myself feel like I actually have a purpose. It didn't work. All I do is sit here and think about life and how I have no control over what the future holds. Last week I had a horrible vocal lesson with my professor and after it was over I cried...not just cried...I sobbed to the point of not being able to breathe. During my sob session I had a million thoughts run through my head and one of them was "why is music not fun anymore?". I have been struggling with this since then. Each time I try to practice it's like pulling teeth. I feel like I can't sing anymore. After 15 minutes of pointless practicing I will just stare at the piano and tears will well up once again. I'm not myself anymore and I don't like the pod person who has taken over my body.

I literally feel like a zombie. I walk around every day with a certain apathy and life has lost its luster. I used to have a sparkle especially while I was onstage. I don't know where that sparkle has gone. I had a lesson yesterday and when Dr. P asked how everything was I immediately let out the water works. He really listened to me and tried his best to help. We both decided that it will be good for me to take a month off and find my drive again. My only assignment this month is to watch broadway divas in their element and rent musicals that I've never seen before so that maybe I will return to my normal self. Only time will tell if that actually happens.

I have to admit I am very afraid right now. I have been a singer since I was old enough to talk and without music what am I? I don't want to give up all of my dreams. I still want to be a professional performer but I feel like everything is far out of my reach right now. I've been an extremely passionate person my entire life and it really bothers me that all of my passion is gone. I realize that we all go through this to some extent during life but I'm exhausted and emotionally drained. I'm also tried of being so bipolar...didn't I just write about being in a fantastic mood and everything?? I don't know what is wrong with me but I think it's safe to say that I am a mess. I hope above all hopes that my upcoming New York vacation will send some answers my way. I can't live like this much longer.