Alone and yet Alive

I'm a little blue today sweet cheeks,
It's a Tuesday and I am back in the boundaries of my retail prison. I had a few days off and it was nice to step away from the store and try to regain my sanity. I will let you know when/if that ever happens...

For reasons unknown to me, my hours have been cut. I worked a whopping 20 hrs last week and this week I am scheduled for the same. I guess it was some sort of scheduling error but I'm supposed to be working full time. 20 hours a week sure sounds like part time to me. This, on top of a multitude of other things, has been adding to my frustration with my current situation in life. The "savings" that I have been working hard to maintain is starting to bite the dust because of my new part time position. I'm glad I had something saved because I would be really broke right now if I hadn't. things will be tight but I'm sure I'll make it through the next few weeks.

My boss still continues to irritate me. I was planning a nice trip home on Feb 6-8 but because of her irresponsibility I now have to cut that visit short. She "can't work those hours because she's so busy with other things". What those "other things" are I will never know. I have already informed my co workers that if I don't find a job before hand my last day here will be on April 23. At that time I will be packing up my things and heading back to the borg to, hopefully, find my path once again.

I have managed to think myself into a depression within the last few days. I keep coming up with future plans but I never follow through with them. I'm trying to decide if grad school is the best idea for me. But, what else is there? My degree isn't very useful. One of my biggest fears is that I will just continue hopping from miserable job to miserable job and never be happy with life again. Last year I thought I had all the answers..it's funny to think about that now.

My head is so full of thoughts and concerns that I haven't been able to sleep recently. I stare at my clock until 3 or 4 am and pray that sleep will come. I am a zombie by the time 8 am rolls around but I have to get out of bed anyway. This is no way to live life. I realized yesterday as I was drinking a cup of coffee at my favorite local coffee shop that I spend way too much time by myself. When I am at work, I am alone. When I have days off, I am alone even when have a free evening, I am still alone. When I'm alone all I do is think about what I should be doing with my life or how I should be handling issues that have been brought before me. I think about these things so much that I don't have room for happy thoughts anymore. I really don't like that. As I sat with my cafe ole yesterday and watched to snow fall on the streets I was surrounded by many fellow caffeine addicts but I still felt alone. I've been single for 24 years and you would think by now I would be used to it but my loneliness gnaws at me everyday

I assume that life is figure itself out before long and I apologize if it seems that I am complaining. I always get a little sad around this time of year because valentine's day is looming in the distance. My roommate also just got engaged and while I am overjoyed for her it has made me realize just how alone I feel. When that horrible day in February comes all I will have to keep me company is a bag of dove chocolate and a twinge of hope for the future.

Someday my ship will come in...