Update time!

wow...I don't even know where to begin. It has definitely been awhile since I have blogged and I apologize. Life has gotten the best of me. With that said, I will attempt to update you all on what has been going on in my life.

After a few weeks working at Claire's I realized that the job wasn't going to work out. I grew tired of being on a corperate lease. I turned in my two weeks and my last day was April 27th. I ended up moving back to Lindsborg after that and it has been a good thing for me.

New York was awesome but then again, it always is. I am still debating whether or not I want to move there though. I've been debating a lot of things recently. I'm not sure if professional musical theater is the career that I want to have. I guess you could say that I'm a little lost in terms of my life's direction. More on this in future entries...

I spent about a month wallowing in my self pity because I didn't have a job in Lindsborg. My money supply was dwindleing and I knew that things needed change. What I didn't realize is that I wasn't giving myself enough time to heal from my depression. The panic attacks started again and I thought that things were never going to get better. It seems that things have started to turn around in the last few weeks. My therapy sessions have been going well. I'm learning to take life one day at a time and not freak out because of my lack of direction. I also finally got a job as a barista in the local coffee shop. I have only been working there for a week and a half but I absolutely love it. The people are wonderful, the drinks are fun to make and I'm finally making some money again which is nice.

Other than that, there hasn't been much going on in my life. I'm just trying to relax this summer and let life pan out how it's supposed to. I do miss Hays but I know that I never would have moved on with my life if I stayed there. My next goal in life is to move out of my mom's house. that is the only goal I have set and once I acheive that I will move onto something else.

well, i guess that's it for now. I don't have much more to say. I promise to keep this updated better than I have.

Peace and Clarity

Laura

Signs

It amazes me how much can change in the course of a week. Things have been happening so quickly that I haven't had time to think about anything...maybe that is a good thing. Let me elaborate...

My last entry was spawned by another unfortunate epsiode with the opposite sex and the culmination of an on going depression that I have only recently decided to acknowledge. Yes, I said depression but things are looking up (and I'm seeing a therapist next weekend). On Thursday I was sitting at work and the AC decided to stop working. Granted, it isn't very hot outside right now but when there are more than 10 people in the store it feels like an inferno so it's nice to have a little bit of air flow. Later that day I was informed that there was no malfunction with the AC. It was simply shut off because my boss neglected to pay the bill. So, I said to myself "Seriously, what else can go wrong right now?" It got worse. As I sat in a pool of my own sweat and tried to fan myself with whatever mail was lying around I was greeted by an older man with a stern look on his face. He looked at me and said "hi, can you please give Lois a call for me?" I agreed and while the phone was ringing I looking at the polo he was wearing. The logo on his left shoulder said "Commercial Sign" and then it all made sense. The store has been open since August and our signs outside and inside the store have been complete since October. Lois owes them more than $6,000 and has yet to even contact them about any sort of payment. They are really nice guys with families to feed and my boss has chosen to avoid them altogether. She answered the phone and when I told her who wanted to speak to her there was dead silence on the other end followed by "tell him I'm...ummm...(silence)...in...the middle of.....ummm...something and I'll give him a call later" She quickly hung up the phone before I could even relay the message to Bruce (the sign fellow).

I put the phone down, gave him a knowing look and told him that she was "in the middle of something". He rolled his eyes and gave me 2 different numbers that she can call. We talked for awhile and I apologized for Lois' actions even though it's not my fault in the least. I also told him that my last paycheck bounced. this is a true story, folks. I had to wait 3 days to get fully paid back in cash. Bruce and I had a decent talk and I felt really bad for the guy. Everyone is hurting for money right now and Lois' irresponsibility is causing his situation to be worse. We said our goodbyes and right as he was walking out he said "oh yeah, tell her that if she doesn't call us by monday you won't have any signs outside your store anymore." Hell yeah Bruce! Stick it to the man!

I continued my hellacious shift at work with my blood boiling and sweat pouring down my face. How dare she lie to me again! I am a really nice person and don't deserve to be treated that way! Also, you shouldn't lie to a person who has basically hit rock bottom and is sending herself into therapy. I'm a little fragile right now. I cried behind the cash register and literally felt like there was no end to this ridiculous-ness that has taken over my life. Before I let any customers see tears streaming down my face I sent a few text messages to friends to make me feel better. One of my best friends, Aubony, served as a guiding light for me without even knowing it.

I believe I sent her a message saying something about my terrible job and how I wish that life didn't suck anymore. She responded with a similar message saying that she had to work an 11 hr shift because her assistant manager decided not to show up. Ironically, I received this message as I was browsing the classifieds. After my shift was over, I went to visit my poor, tired friend at her place of work...which is Claire's by the way. I failed to mention that. She told me that they were, inevitably, looking for a new assistant manager. On a whim, I applied. By that evening I set up an interview for the following day. Yesterday, I went in for the interview was guaranteed my same pay plus benefits and set hours. Paid vacation, paid holidays, health insurance! I haven't had health insurance in a year and half. All of this sounded pretty awesome and I get to work with Aubony which is always wonderful. So, this morning I got up enough courage to call my current employer and tell her to shove it. Of course, I didn't phrase it like that. I was perfectly nice and she was pretty cool with me, oddly enough. I failed to mention the new job. I just told her everything else that is going on in my life and said I needed some down time to recharge my battery. this is all true but I have a feeling that there will be some bad blood once she finds out that I will be working down the hall from her store...oops.

Needless to say, these last few days have been a whirlwind of craziness. I don't know if working in another retail store will be good for me but anything is better than the things that I have been dealing with right now. I guess I'm not moving back home...at least for the time being. All I can say is that life has a really weird way of working out. I don't think I should make plans anymore because, obviously, this all wasn't part of the plan. I feel better and I guess, right now, that is all that matters.

P.S. I now have black hair. I was in need of change and boy, did things change. I still can't decide if I like it

Throwing in the Towel

"Paradise is not found in your surroundings. It is found in those who surround you" I got this quote a few years ago from an amazing english teacher who wore bright haiwaiian shorts everyday, even in the dead of winter. We were reading the book "Frankenstein" and discussing romanticism. Dr. Frankenstein was a romantic who traveled to distant places to find some sort of peace within himself. What he didn't realize was that the paradise he was seeking was right in front of his face. 

Right now I feel like that is case with me. I keep telling myself that as soon as I move things will be different and I will somehow regain my sanity and drive. I've been convinced that I can travel to distant places by myself and that is how I will find true happiness. What I'm failing to see is that paradise and happiness is all around me. It's in the faces of my friends, the way that my students laugh at my horrible piano playing, the way my sisters deal with my crazy phone calls at 2 am after my heart has been broken for the millionth time. That is true paradise and I wish that I could bottle it up and take a big drink when I'm feeling like I am today.

I can't seem to settle the storm inside of my head. Some days I feel wonderful other days I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I am literally at the end of my rope. I can't seem to find any sort of inner peace and until I do I will be unhappy no matter where I live. I don't know who I am anymore and I'm starting to believe that I never will again. At the end of the day I crawl into bed alone and lonely and I feel like something is missing. 

There's an emptiness inside of me that, at times, seems to burn. My life has been so out of control lately and I don't have anyone that will just hold me and let me cry and tell me that everything will be ok. I've been a strong single woman for a very long time and I want someone to help lighten the load so to speak. I keep thinking that there must be something wrong with me because I've almost had happy relationships and then something goes wrong. I realize there is some sort of master plan for all of this but I need some kind of answer before I go completely crazy. 

I want the world to leave me alone for awhile and just let me sleep. I really want a day off but there is no one who can work for me. I may not be physically sick but I have a bad case of mental and emotion pnemonia. 

Alright, I'm done for now. 

Seeking Solace in the Small Things

Hello hello!

I haven't updated this blog in awhile and, to be honest, it's because I got tired of repeating the "sob" story of my life. Wallowing in your self pity gets old after awhile. 

I am happy to report that I am doing better. I still feel utterly lost but I've come to terms with that and I'm trying to make the most of my directionless life. I've spent too many hours alone in my bedroom thinking about ways that my life can be better. Regardless of everything I've been going through I still have a great life with a wonderful family and phenomenal friends who accept me through it all. I need to remember that each time I feel like my life is horrible. I still have a job (even though I hate it), I still have a roof over my head and I'm not hurting for money. A lot of people don't have that luxury especially right now with the wretched economy. I'm lucky and shouldn't take that for granted. *jumps off soapbox*

Life has been a bit boring recently. I haven't had a lot going on and I'm beginning to think that that is ok. I spent my weekend with my family in Lindsborg and brought a few Hays friends with me. We all had a great time. I don't think I've laughed that much in a really long time. I needed that mini vacation so that I can tackle the next 3 weeks. I have to work everyone else's hours because 3 of the 5 people I work with are going on vacation. It all doesn't seem fair but I will get my vacation soon. In less than 2 months I will be on a plane to New York City for some rest and relaxation with some of my favorite people. I've been writing down all of the things that I want to do when I return to the city and each time I read it I get more excited...and impatient. I need to take things one day at a time though because there are lots of things that I have to do before I head out of state.

Even though I have taken a break from vocal lessons, my professor is having me sing in a recital at the beginning of April. The composer of our opera will be showcasing some of his songs and he will also be playing the piano for me. I'm excited to start singing again because my time away has really made me realize that I was meant to be a singer for the rest of my life. The day after the recital I will be portraying Barbra Streisand in a dinner theater with the Heartland community theater. I'm going to be singing "Don't Rain on my Parade" and "People". I'm not a huge Babs fan but it will be nice to be onstage again. I'm a little stressed because these two very different performances are basically back to back and I hope they don't conflict with each other. I have to iron out all of the details this week.

My goal this week is to be as productive as possible. Granted, I will be working a lot but I also want to start packing up my things and getting everything together so that moving won't be stressful. I realize it's a little early to be packing because I'm not moving for another month and a half but I don't want to procrastinate either. We'll see if I am actually as productive as I would like to be.

well, with that said I'm going to continue filling my last 4 hours at retail therapy. Happy Tuesday!

Picking up the Pieces of a Shattered Spirit

I'm at work on a slow Friday and unfortunately I'm stuck here until 9:00 this evening. I am not a huge fan of closing shifts but I'll manage because I don't really have another choice.

I wish I could say that I have magically found my path and I'm in the best mood ever but I would be lying to you. The zombie mania has carried over into this week and I'm still utterly confused and depressed. I'm very tired of sounding like the damsel in distress. I'm sick of wallowing in my self pity but, above all things, I'm sick of being sad. This post graduation purgatory is breaking my spirit. I know that I will come out of this whole thing a stronger person but right now I am at my weakest point. I didn't realize just how bad things were getting until last night.

After a pointless 6 hr shift at work I hung out with one of my co workers until 8 pm. We talked and things were fine until I went home. I sat in my bedroom, turned on some music and the loneliness began to creep in. My roommate was with her fiance and I was alone in my apartment. To make myself feel something different than alone I drank a beer. I assumed that this was normal so it didn't phase me. I watched some tv, felt more alone and before I knew it the beer was gone...I grabbed another. It was quickly emptied and then I didn't have any other alcohol except for some rum in my freezer so I made myself a drink. After I finished that drink I was, inevitably intoxicated. The indie rock music had run it's course through my cd player and I was again alone. I sat in my bedroom and longed for some sort of social interaction but it never came. I fell asleep and woke up at 4 am to a loud noise coming from my living room. I was too scared to check out the situation so I turned on my tv for some background noise and prayed that I would be safe through the night. The loneliness that I thought the alcohol had killed was beating at my heart like a hammer. Thoughts raced through my mind and I finally managed to sleep after quieting them down.

This morning I woke up feeling awful. Did I actually drink myself into oblivion on my own? Since when did I do this sort of thing? How on earth did I think that numbing myself would take everything away? I played the role of the crazy party girl during my first few years of college. I still step back into that role when friends come to town and we drink "to have fun". Last night I drank to ease my troubled mind and I was totally alone. I refuse to turn into a person that has to rely on alcohol to put me in a "good" mood. It's safe to say that if I don't pull myself out of this black hole soon I will be trotting down the path to alcoholism.

Like an idiot, I got onto facebook last night and wrote on my friend's walls telling them how much I miss them. I also announced to the entire facebook community that I was drinking rum by myself. In a rum haze this morning I checked my profile again and found that one of my student's mothers had written me a personal message. She wasn't scolding me by any means but she was simply offering some much needed advice because she could tell that I haven't been myself lately. Her kind words made me realize that I have an amazing support group and when I'm down I should rely on them instead of the toxic combination of beer and rum. It's funny how people always manage to come to your side even when you feel like there is no one out there.

I need a change. If I don't take control over my own life again I will be miserable and my dreams will be even further away than they feel right now. I need to become proactive. Above all things I need to start playing the leading lady in my own life as opposed to the apathetic, self destructive best friend who ruins her life. I don't know exactly how to become myself again but I have to do something. I can't live with this mess inside of myself.

If I manage to figure anything out I'll keep you posted

Invasion of the Laura snatchers

You know how I said "when you're lost you can find paths that you never knew existed"?...I'm not nearly so optimistic about life today. For the last two weeks I have felt an emotional storm brewing deep inside me and occasionally it rears its ugly head.

I have grown tired of my meaningless hours at work. I even dusted today in order to make myself feel like I actually have a purpose. It didn't work. All I do is sit here and think about life and how I have no control over what the future holds. Last week I had a horrible vocal lesson with my professor and after it was over I cried...not just cried...I sobbed to the point of not being able to breathe. During my sob session I had a million thoughts run through my head and one of them was "why is music not fun anymore?". I have been struggling with this since then. Each time I try to practice it's like pulling teeth. I feel like I can't sing anymore. After 15 minutes of pointless practicing I will just stare at the piano and tears will well up once again. I'm not myself anymore and I don't like the pod person who has taken over my body.

I literally feel like a zombie. I walk around every day with a certain apathy and life has lost its luster. I used to have a sparkle especially while I was onstage. I don't know where that sparkle has gone. I had a lesson yesterday and when Dr. P asked how everything was I immediately let out the water works. He really listened to me and tried his best to help. We both decided that it will be good for me to take a month off and find my drive again. My only assignment this month is to watch broadway divas in their element and rent musicals that I've never seen before so that maybe I will return to my normal self. Only time will tell if that actually happens.

I have to admit I am very afraid right now. I have been a singer since I was old enough to talk and without music what am I? I don't want to give up all of my dreams. I still want to be a professional performer but I feel like everything is far out of my reach right now. I've been an extremely passionate person my entire life and it really bothers me that all of my passion is gone. I realize that we all go through this to some extent during life but I'm exhausted and emotionally drained. I'm also tried of being so bipolar...didn't I just write about being in a fantastic mood and everything?? I don't know what is wrong with me but I think it's safe to say that I am a mess. I hope above all hopes that my upcoming New York vacation will send some answers my way. I can't live like this much longer.

The Aftermath

Well, I survived Valentine's day. I took on the day with a big bag of chocolate and a bottle of wine. I guess it was my way of numbing myself. I know that sounds terrible but, in a way, it's true. I spent my evening with two of my best friends and we talked and watched old horror films together. It was a great way to end the worst holiday of the year. My friends are fantastic and I'm really going to miss them when I move. I had to work in the evening on Valentine's day so I spent my morning/afternoon making a video for one of my best friends in New York. She's a little bummed right now and I wanted to do something for her even though I'm so far away. I filmed different places around Hays that have some meaning to the both of us. Overall, the video turned out really nice. I was very pleased with myself. I hope to make more videos for friends in the future.

I bought my juicer the other day and it's not as amazing as I thought it would be. I almost used an entire package of blueberries, about 9 strawberries and almost a whole bag of carrots to get a little under 12 oz of juice. I decided to bring some homemade juice to work for lunch and barely got through 1/4 of it when I felt like I was going to puke. Needless to say I poured the rest of it out and I haven't tried to use the juicer since. I'm hoping that I can get things together and make the most of my purchase.

Other than the juicing shenanigans I don't have a lot going on right now. I am planning another trip to NYC at the beginning of May. I decided that I want to put my tax return to some good use so I'm booking my tickets later this week. I think it will be good for me to go back to the city and see if I really want to move there. I also miss my friends that live there. I'm hoping that I find my drive once again once I go back to the city. I've been walking around like a passionless zombie recently and I don't really know what makes me happy anymore. I want to feel like myself again.

Well, I think I'm going to end this entry now and figure out something else to do with my remaining 4 1/2 hrs of work.

lovelovelove!