And so this is Christmas...

Merry Christmas everyone!

I have returned from my travels to the thriving metropolis of Lindsborg and I am now back in Hays to take on the world of retail for 12 hrs tomorrow. I have to admit that I am a little bummed this evening. I wish I could have stayed with my family for just a bit longer. All of my friends are with their respective families and I am here...alone in my apartment.

Before my glorious 5 day vacation I spent every waking hour at the store. We were super busy, which is wonderful, but I my last 2 shifts were both 12 hrs long and I have to turn around and do the same thing tomorrow. It's good money I guess but it all adds a little to my current mood.

I had fun with friends and family in the borg. Everyone made my Christmas break a good one but there is still something missing. The holidays make me a little lonely sometimes. I realize that I am better off without a siginificant other right now but it would be nice to have someone to come home to. I've never really had that before and it gets to me sometimes. You all can tell me that my time will come and I realize that but my life is a big ball of uncertainty right now. Everything is up in the air and that makes me a little scared. I want a plan of some sort or even a little nudge in the right direction. My biggest fear is that I will be ringing in the new year by myself with only a bottle of champagne and chocolate to keep me company. I'm sure that won't be the case but I am just a little worried. I'm also a little upset because my east coast friends are only in Hays for a few more days and I haven't gotten to spend much time with them. They are the people who keep me sane most of the time and I have a feeling that my sanity will leave with them. *sigh* I guess there is no use wallowing in my self pity.

There isn't much more to say. I am going to try and enjoy the last of my break and pray that I get some answers soon. This quarter life crisis is not treating me very well

Life or Lack Thereof

Once again I am attempting to kill some time at work. It seems like my hours spent in this store drag on and fulfilling an 8 hr shift is liking pulling teeth. I fear that I am a little bitter on this random Thursday and that is due to the fact that my life is boring and I feel like don't have a purpose to get out of bed in the morning. I won't ramble on about my lack of direction but I will say that I officially have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I made it through black Friday...barely. I managed to get sick just in time for Thanksgiving. 6 am came very early and between the cold winter chill and my fever I was not a happy camper that morning. Luckily, I looked awful enough that I got to go home early. I spent 4 hrs at the store and then enjoyed the rest of the freezing winter day from underneath my covers at home in bed. Words can't describe how pleasant that was. I've managed to recover from my holiday sickness but I'm sure it will return just in time for Christmas. *sigh*

Since my last blog I have once again lost the dating battle. I'm not sure what happened between me and the "awesome" guy but after our date he stopped talking to me. I guess he was turned off by my natural charm. I fear that I will once again be buying myself a bag of chocolates for Valentines day. A relationship probably would've kept me in Hays so I guess I should be glad that nothing developed. However, I am just about to give up on the idea of dating. It's too much work and I'm not sure if my heart can take anymore rejection. I apologize for sounding like a damsel in distress. Sometimes my dramatic side gets the best of me.

Recently I've been discussing my current unhappiness with anyone who will lend an ear and I've even gotten tired of explaining myself. My dreams of moving to the east coast seem to be a bit further away recently. My savings has kind of gone down the tubes and I also can't decide if I want to move that far away from my family. I really don't what I want to do. I've toyed around with the idea of moving to Colorado but that's just me trying to create some sort of plan. I would really like some guidance right now. I don't like feeling lost.

"Jane! Get me off this Crazy Thing..."

I can't believe that it's already nearing the end of November. I never believed my mother when she told me that time starts to fly by once you reach your mid twenties but now I realize just how truthful her words were. It seriously seems like my birthday was a couple of weeks ago. Where did time go?

Due to the fact that time has started to breeze by at ludacris speed I have recently become stressed out and overwhelmed. In less than a month I have to have five songs memorized for my vocal juries and do I have to work on them? No! I'm stuck at this store all day and, to be totally honest, that has been the main cause of my stress. I realize that I shouldn't write bad things about my job over the internet but it has come to the point where work as consumed me and something needs to change. My boss's financial instability has been rearing its ugly head recently. She is never around the store so I have to deal with creditors calling and blaming me for bounced checks or past due bills. When I tell them that it is out of my hands, they don't believe me. I have always been the type of person to interalize things so each firey phone call is like a tiny knife jabbed into my ego. I could go on about all of the things that my boss and I don't agree on but I will spare you all. I will say that I have started a job hunt in Hays and I am determined to find one soon. My stress is mounting and I've developed an unhealthy wine and chocolate habit. I guess you could say that it's my soul food...or maybe I'm just a lush with a sweet tooth. I have yet to decide.

In other news, I may have met someone. I say this with the utmost caution because each time I "meet" someone everything ends in disaster. I get too attached, they just want to be friends and my heart is broken. It's a vicious cycle that I have grown accustomed to since middle school. I've gotten to the point where I have stopped hoping for anything. With that said, this someone that I met is a really nice guy who shares many similar interests with me. He's only a few months older than I am and he seems to be a very driven and overall cool person. I met him last weekend and we hit it off well. I'm sure I will let you all know if anything develops but don't get your hopes up just yet. Aphroditie and I have been at war for some time now and I dont' know if that will end anytime soon. I hope that it does though because I'm a little tired of buying chocolates for myself on Valentines day. *sigh*

I have come to the point in my quarter life crisis where I've realized that my future is very uncertain. I haven't been able to save money like I've been wanting and the online job search has proved to be fruitless. This uncertainty scares me quite a bit and I hope for a change. For some reason I'm not nearly as optimistic as I once was and the constant worrying has started to wear on me. I spent last Sunday and Monday in bed and I could go for another Rip Van Winkle sleep session. Someday I'll learn to ride the wave where it takes me. Until then I will try to live one day at a time.

Well dear family and friends, I am going to end this post and hopefully make it through the remaining 4 hours of my shift. Have a blessed Thanksgiving and think of me as I'm working at 6 am on black friday :( I hate retail!

Politics, the Economy and What Not

Life has evened out a little since my last blog. I realize that it's only been a week or so but I am feeling better. Gina's funeral was very nice and I'm glad I was there to experience it.

I thought about writing a politically themed blog but chose not to. I don't really follow politics because I have seen the heated debates that my family members get into whenever certain topics are discussed. However, I will say this: I am happy that a historic event such as this has taken place in my lifetime. I am glad that the nation is willing to change and I hope for the best when Obama takes office. I realize everyone has a different opinion about this topic and I respect that. I am merely stating my feelings. I've never been one to debate. In fact, i started crying during a highschool debate about R rated movies so please don't bother arguing with me. Things are changing and only time will tell what happens.

My main concern as of late is the struggling economy. I say this now because the store has been open for almost 2 hrs and I have yet to sell anything. These slow days at work really make me fear for my job and next paycheck. I guess I should start looking for a safety net soon but I don't have the energy to do so. A part of me wishes I could jump on a plane and head out now. Don't worry, I won't.

I did have an interesting talk with my vocal teacher as he was bleeding red ink all over my resume. He asked what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and I gave him the usual "Dr. P, I really have no clue". He's used to my weekly dramatic rants so I'm sure this came as no surprise to him. I told him about my east coast thoughts and he just said "Well, what are you waiting for?". I was speechless. What am I waiting for? I still intend to spend the summer with my family but after that there are no excuses. He told me to "just go" and see where my life leads me. I like to make plans but there comes a point where plans don't work anymore. It will be scary but no matter where my life is in August I am moving. If I want to pursue my dreams I have to. There is no other option for me.

I don't have much more to say. Life feels a little uncertain at this point but I assume that all will even out in due time. For now I will say goodbye and hope that the election results have not left you all in a tizzy. Peace and Love!

Gina

Last year I took a really interesting class called "Sociology of Death and Dying". The whole class focused on how people cope with death and the different things that the body goes through while dying. I enjoyed the class a great deal and it taught me a lot. I learned that the human mind is capable of a lot amazing things such as keeping cancer at a stand still or curing an illness all together. I had never met anyone with such strength until I was blessed to meet Gina.

I know that I complain about my work environment a lot but there is one aspect about working here that I really enjoy. We sell merchandise that supports breast cancer and 20% of those proceeds go to a local breast cancer support group called "The Sisters of Survivorship". A few days after the store opened I was working with my boss one evening when a women walked into the store. She was using a cane, had a hearing aid and no hair. I said my usual hello and she gave me a beautiful smile. Lois looked up from her paperwork and immediately walked to embrace the woman. They had a lengthy conversation full of tears and laughter. This woman, Gina, had been a breast cancer survivor and had recently learned that the cancer had returned and had spread to her lungs, brain and bones. Apparently, the doctors told Gina that she should've died a year ago but she held on. When I met her she had so much passion and was by far one of the strongest women I have ever had the chance to meet. She was so grateful for everything that she had and took nothing for granted. She left the store that day with a smile on her face and that smile is something that I have yet to forget.

Throughout the last few months Gina stopped in to say hello and see how her favorite Retail Therapy ladies were doing. I enjoyed seeing her each time she came into the store. One day she showed up with a picture of her hand saying "I love you" in sign language and a breast cancer ribbon next to it. She gave it to us as a gift. That day was the last day I saw her walking.

Last weekend I helped with the annual "Day of Caring" on the FHSU campus. I had helped with some of the organization and also assisted some of the models that were going to be in the fashion show. Earlier in the morning I sat at a booth and sold out breast cancer merchandise and that is were I saw Gina. She was in a wheelchair and still had that beautiful smile. She looked much weaker than she had before but she was determined to be the best model in the fashion show. Once the show was under way, she couldn't walk down the "runway" but she stood up in her wheelchair and received a thunderous applause. I like to think that she was on top of the world that day. Unfortunatly, that would be the last time that our paths would ever cross.

I was informed yesterday that Gina died late Saturday night. The cancer had decided that it was her time to leave. A part of me likes to think that she held on just so that she could be a model in the fashion show. Once the show was over she knew that it was ok to go. Her mother stopped in the store earlier today to pay for the shirt that Gina wore. I told her not to worry about paying for anything. Gina's mom gave me a sweet look and I could tell that she was holding back a few tears. She told me that up until the last moment of her life, Gina was ranting and raving aboout the girls at Retail Therapy and how she loved all of them. Her mom also said that the day of the fashion show was one of the greatest of Gina's life.

I often wonder what Gina was like before the cancer hit. She had the ability to have a huge impact on my life in the 3 months that I had known her. I only wish that I could've gotten to know her sooner. Gina is a prime example of a "good death" as my sociology teacher called it. She accepted her fate and truly began living once she was diagnosed. Her story reminds me of the book "Tuesdays with Morrie". She shared many charateristics with Morrie and both had such a passion for life. I can only hope that I would be able to cope with death as well as they did.

Losing loved ones is the hardest aspect of living. We don't know where or when it will happen. All we know is that death will indeed happen. It is days like today when I am inspired to live my life to the fullest with no regrets and cherish those around me with every passing moment. I wish there was a way to tell Gina that she had such an impact on my life but I think that she is looking down on all of us and she knows how much we cared. I'm sure she is an angel now and still has that beautiful smile spread across her face.

Rest in Peace Gina, you will be missed.

Letting Go

It's another slow day at the store so I felt the need to blog. I don't really have any updates but I need something to do to pass the time. I apologize if this blog is a bit scattered. I have a million thoughts going through my head right now.

I am currently suffering from a very bad stomach that has been bothering me for the last hour or so. We recently got gourmet chocolate at work and I ate a bit too much. I have the worst sweet tooth in the world and I wish that I didn't. It sucks to maintain a healthy diet when chocolate is all that I think about. I like being healthy but I really hate dieting. It's such a pain and there are days when I think I look like an ogre or something. I realize that this is not the case and I'm much better off now than I was 30 lbs ago but the bottom line is that weight loss sucks...end of story. It takes a strong person to lose weight and keep it off. I just hope that I'm strong enough to do so. What I am I saying? I am strong enough :)

I went to the first college choir concert of the year last night. It was good but I felt really strange just sitting in the audience instead of being onstage with everyone. I actually got a little teary eyed when the choir took the stage. I'm not sure why but I'm having the hardest time letting go of my college life. I have been a student of some sort ever since I was 5 yrs old and now, 19 yrs later, I'm just an adult. Overall, college was the best experience I've ever had. It turned me into the opinionated, head strong woman that I am today and I owe a lot of that to the people that have come and gone in my life. I remember graduating high school and thinking that my world was over. My entire freshman year of college was spent in a state of confusion as to if I should stay or move back home. God only knows where I would be if wouldn't have stayed in college. I have truly been blessed in my 24 years of existence and I hope that more amazing memories are waiting for me in future. All I can do is hope...

I recently watched a fantastic movie called "August Rush". I recommend it to anyone who has an interest in music of any kind. My wonderful roommate bought me the soundtrack today and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. The whole movie is wonderful and very inspiring. Overall, it's a good flick. Check it out.

well, there is not much more that I can say right now. Nothing too interesting is happening and I fear that I will ramble even more if I continue this blog. Have a great weekend! I'm not sure who I'm talking to by saying that but have a great one anyway!

And So It Goes...

Bill stopped by the store on Friday to let me know that the commercials were a "no go". Apparently Nex Tech decided to take a completely different route for their holiday promotion and that route didn't involve me. I was a little bummed but I guess my 15 minutes of fame will come at another time. Thinking about it, I would like to have much more than simply 15 minutes. I told Bill to let me know if any other opportunities pop up and he said that he would be sure to give me a call.

In other news, we had our grand opening at the store on Friday. I spent many hours cleaning and preparing food for the public to enjoy. A lot of the chamber members showed up and that surprised me a little. We had decent business that day and I got paid on time with no drama whatsoever. Overall, it was a good day.

I went home last weekend and hung out with my Lindsborg family for awhile. My sister helped me complete my not so impressive resume. I guess I couldn't expect a lot being fresh out of college but I'm beginning to wonder if I did anything useful. I'm going to tweek the resume a little and email it to a few friends to get some feedback and then it is off into the great blackhole that we call the real world.

Other than work, there is not much going on in my life. I'm still teaching lessons and taking lessons and both have been going well. The girls that I teach are so funny sometimes and they make life a little less stressful.

I think that is all for now. I'm going to make the most of the rest of my shift at work and dream of other jobs that actually challenge me. Cheers!