The World is my Stage

Update time!

2009-06-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

wow...I don't even know where to begin. It has definitely been awhile since I have blogged and I apologize. Life has gotten the best of me. With that said, I will attempt to update you all on what has been going on in my life.

After a few weeks working at Claire's I realized that the job wasn't going to work out. I grew tired of being on a corperate lease. I turned in my two weeks and my last day was April 27th. I ended up moving back to Lindsborg after that and it has been a good thing for me.

New York was awesome but then again, it always is. I am still debating whether or not I want to move there though. I've been debating a lot of things recently. I'm not sure if professional musical theater is the career that I want to have. I guess you could say that I'm a little lost in terms of my life's direction. More on this in future entries...

I spent about a month wallowing in my self pity because I didn't have a job in Lindsborg. My money supply was dwindleing and I knew that things needed change. What I didn't realize is that I wasn't giving myself enough time to heal from my depression. The panic attacks started again and I thought that things were never going to get better. It seems that things have started to turn around in the last few weeks. My therapy sessions have been going well. I'm learning to take life one day at a time and not freak out because of my lack of direction. I also finally got a job as a barista in the local coffee shop. I have only been working there for a week and a half but I absolutely love it. The people are wonderful, the drinks are fun to make and I'm finally making some money again which is nice.

Other than that, there hasn't been much going on in my life. I'm just trying to relax this summer and let life pan out how it's supposed to. I do miss Hays but I know that I never would have moved on with my life if I stayed there. My next goal in life is to move out of my mom's house. that is the only goal I have set and once I acheive that I will move onto something else.

well, i guess that's it for now. I don't have much more to say. I promise to keep this updated better than I have.

Peace and Clarity

Laura

Signs

2009-03-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

It amazes me how much can change in the course of a week. Things have been happening so quickly that I haven't had time to think about anything...maybe that is a good thing. Let me elaborate...

My last entry was spawned by another unfortunate epsiode with the opposite sex and the culmination of an on going depression that I have only recently decided to acknowledge. Yes, I said depression but things are looking up (and I'm seeing a therapist next weekend). On Thursday I was sitting at work and the AC decided to stop working. Granted, it isn't very hot outside right now but when there are more than 10 people in the store it feels like an inferno so it's nice to have a little bit of air flow. Later that day I was informed that there was no malfunction with the AC. It was simply shut off because my boss neglected to pay the bill. So, I said to myself "Seriously, what else can go wrong right now?" It got worse. As I sat in a pool of my own sweat and tried to fan myself with whatever mail was lying around I was greeted by an older man with a stern look on his face. He looked at me and said "hi, can you please give Lois a call for me?" I agreed and while the phone was ringing I looking at the polo he was wearing. The logo on his left shoulder said "Commercial Sign" and then it all made sense. The store has been open since August and our signs outside and inside the store have been complete since October. Lois owes them more than $6,000 and has yet to even contact them about any sort of payment. They are really nice guys with families to feed and my boss has chosen to avoid them altogether. She answered the phone and when I told her who wanted to speak to her there was dead silence on the other end followed by "tell him I'm...ummm...(silence)...in...the middle of.....ummm...something and I'll give him a call later" She quickly hung up the phone before I could even relay the message to Bruce (the sign fellow).

I put the phone down, gave him a knowing look and told him that she was "in the middle of something". He rolled his eyes and gave me 2 different numbers that she can call. We talked for awhile and I apologized for Lois' actions even though it's not my fault in the least. I also told him that my last paycheck bounced. this is a true story, folks. I had to wait 3 days to get fully paid back in cash. Bruce and I had a decent talk and I felt really bad for the guy. Everyone is hurting for money right now and Lois' irresponsibility is causing his situation to be worse. We said our goodbyes and right as he was walking out he said "oh yeah, tell her that if she doesn't call us by monday you won't have any signs outside your store anymore." Hell yeah Bruce! Stick it to the man!

I continued my hellacious shift at work with my blood boiling and sweat pouring down my face. How dare she lie to me again! I am a really nice person and don't deserve to be treated that way! Also, you shouldn't lie to a person who has basically hit rock bottom and is sending herself into therapy. I'm a little fragile right now. I cried behind the cash register and literally felt like there was no end to this ridiculous-ness that has taken over my life. Before I let any customers see tears streaming down my face I sent a few text messages to friends to make me feel better. One of my best friends, Aubony, served as a guiding light for me without even knowing it.

I believe I sent her a message saying something about my terrible job and how I wish that life didn't suck anymore. She responded with a similar message saying that she had to work an 11 hr shift because her assistant manager decided not to show up. Ironically, I received this message as I was browsing the classifieds. After my shift was over, I went to visit my poor, tired friend at her place of work...which is Claire's by the way. I failed to mention that. She told me that they were, inevitably, looking for a new assistant manager. On a whim, I applied. By that evening I set up an interview for the following day. Yesterday, I went in for the interview was guaranteed my same pay plus benefits and set hours. Paid vacation, paid holidays, health insurance! I haven't had health insurance in a year and half. All of this sounded pretty awesome and I get to work with Aubony which is always wonderful. So, this morning I got up enough courage to call my current employer and tell her to shove it. Of course, I didn't phrase it like that. I was perfectly nice and she was pretty cool with me, oddly enough. I failed to mention the new job. I just told her everything else that is going on in my life and said I needed some down time to recharge my battery. this is all true but I have a feeling that there will be some bad blood once she finds out that I will be working down the hall from her store...oops.

Needless to say, these last few days have been a whirlwind of craziness. I don't know if working in another retail store will be good for me but anything is better than the things that I have been dealing with right now. I guess I'm not moving back home...at least for the time being. All I can say is that life has a really weird way of working out. I don't think I should make plans anymore because, obviously, this all wasn't part of the plan. I feel better and I guess, right now, that is all that matters.

P.S. I now have black hair. I was in need of change and boy, did things change. I still can't decide if I like it

Throwing in the Towel

2009-03-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

"Paradise is not found in your surroundings. It is found in those who surround you" I got this quote a few years ago from an amazing english teacher who wore bright haiwaiian shorts everyday, even in the dead of winter. We were reading the book "Frankenstein" and discussing romanticism. Dr. Frankenstein was a romantic who traveled to distant places to find some sort of peace within himself. What he didn't realize was that the paradise he was seeking was right in front of his face.

Right now I feel like that is case with me. I keep telling myself that as soon as I move things will be different and I will somehow regain my sanity and drive. I've been convinced that I can travel to distant places by myself and that is how I will find true happiness. What I'm failing to see is that paradise and happiness is all around me. It's in the faces of my friends, the way that my students laugh at my horrible piano playing, the way my sisters deal with my crazy phone calls at 2 am after my heart has been broken for the millionth time. That is true paradise and I wish that I could bottle it up and take a big drink when I'm feeling like I am today.

I can't seem to settle the storm inside of my head. Some days I feel wonderful other days I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I am literally at the end of my rope. I can't seem to find any sort of inner peace and until I do I will be unhappy no matter where I live. I don't know who I am anymore and I'm starting to believe that I never will again. At the end of the day I crawl into bed alone and lonely and I feel like something is missing.

There's an emptiness inside of me that, at times, seems to burn. My life has been so out of control lately and I don't have anyone that will just hold me and let me cry and tell me that everything will be ok. I've been a strong single woman for a very long time and I want someone to help lighten the load so to speak. I keep thinking that there must be something wrong with me because I've almost had happy relationships and then something goes wrong. I realize there is some sort of master plan for all of this but I need some kind of answer before I go completely crazy.

I want the world to leave me alone for awhile and just let me sleep. I really want a day off but there is no one who can work for me. I may not be physically sick but I have a bad case of mental and emotion pnemonia.

Alright, I'm done for now.

Seeking Solace in the Small Things

2009-03-10T09:35:00.001-07:00

Hello hello!

I haven't updated this blog in awhile and, to be honest, it's because I got tired of repeating the "sob" story of my life. Wallowing in your self pity gets old after awhile.

I am happy to report that I am doing better. I still feel utterly lost but I've come to terms with that and I'm trying to make the most of my directionless life. I've spent too many hours alone in my bedroom thinking about ways that my life can be better. Regardless of everything I've been going through I still have a great life with a wonderful family and phenomenal friends who accept me through it all. I need to remember that each time I feel like my life is horrible. I still have a job (even though I hate it), I still have a roof over my head and I'm not hurting for money. A lot of people don't have that luxury especially right now with the wretched economy. I'm lucky and shouldn't take that for granted. *jumps off soapbox*

Life has been a bit boring recently. I haven't had a lot going on and I'm beginning to think that that is ok. I spent my weekend with my family in Lindsborg and brought a few Hays friends with me. We all had a great time. I don't think I've laughed that much in a really long time. I needed that mini vacation so that I can tackle the next 3 weeks. I have to work everyone else's hours because 3 of the 5 people I work with are going on vacation. It all doesn't seem fair but I will get my vacation soon. In less than 2 months I will be on a plane to New York City for some rest and relaxation with some of my favorite people. I've been writing down all of the things that I want to do when I return to the city and each time I read it I get more excited...and impatient. I need to take things one day at a time though because there are lots of things that I have to do before I head out of state.

Even though I have taken a break from vocal lessons, my professor is having me sing in a recital at the beginning of April. The composer of our opera will be showcasing some of his songs and he will also be playing the piano for me. I'm excited to start singing again because my time away has really made me realize that I was meant to be a singer for the rest of my life. The day after the recital I will be portraying Barbra Streisand in a dinner theater with the Heartland community theater. I'm going to be singing "Don't Rain on my Parade" and "People". I'm not a huge Babs fan but it will be nice to be onstage again. I'm a little stressed because these two very different performances are basically back to back and I hope they don't conflict with each other. I have to iron out all of the details this week.

My goal this week is to be as productive as possible. Granted, I will be working a lot but I also want to start packing up my things and getting everything together so that moving won't be stressful. I realize it's a little early to be packing because I'm not moving for another month and a half but I don't want to procrastinate either. We'll see if I am actually as productive as I would like to be.

well, with that said I'm going to continue filling my last 4 hours at retail therapy. Happy Tuesday!

Picking up the Pieces of a Shattered Spirit

2009-02-27T14:19:00.000-08:00

I'm at work on a slow Friday and unfortunately I'm stuck here until 9:00 this evening. I am not a huge fan of closing shifts but I'll manage because I don't really have another choice.

I wish I could say that I have magically found my path and I'm in the best mood ever but I would be lying to you. The zombie mania has carried over into this week and I'm still utterly confused and depressed. I'm very tired of sounding like the damsel in distress. I'm sick of wallowing in my self pity but, above all things, I'm sick of being sad. This post graduation purgatory is breaking my spirit. I know that I will come out of this whole thing a stronger person but right now I am at my weakest point. I didn't realize just how bad things were getting until last night.

After a pointless 6 hr shift at work I hung out with one of my co workers until 8 pm. We talked and things were fine until I went home. I sat in my bedroom, turned on some music and the loneliness began to creep in. My roommate was with her fiance and I was alone in my apartment. To make myself feel something different than alone I drank a beer. I assumed that this was normal so it didn't phase me. I watched some tv, felt more alone and before I knew it the beer was gone...I grabbed another. It was quickly emptied and then I didn't have any other alcohol except for some rum in my freezer so I made myself a drink. After I finished that drink I was, inevitably intoxicated. The indie rock music had run it's course through my cd player and I was again alone. I sat in my bedroom and longed for some sort of social interaction but it never came. I fell asleep and woke up at 4 am to a loud noise coming from my living room. I was too scared to check out the situation so I turned on my tv for some background noise and prayed that I would be safe through the night. The loneliness that I thought the alcohol had killed was beating at my heart like a hammer. Thoughts raced through my mind and I finally managed to sleep after quieting them down.

This morning I woke up feeling awful. Did I actually drink myself into oblivion on my own? Since when did I do this sort of thing? How on earth did I think that numbing myself would take everything away? I played the role of the crazy party girl during my first few years of college. I still step back into that role when friends come to town and we drink "to have fun". Last night I drank to ease my troubled mind and I was totally alone. I refuse to turn into a person that has to rely on alcohol to put me in a "good" mood. It's safe to say that if I don't pull myself out of this black hole soon I will be trotting down the path to alcoholism.

Like an idiot, I got onto facebook last night and wrote on my friend's walls telling them how much I miss them. I also announced to the entire facebook community that I was drinking rum by myself. In a rum haze this morning I checked my profile again and found that one of my student's mothers had written me a personal message. She wasn't scolding me by any means but she was simply offering some much needed advice because she could tell that I haven't been myself lately. Her kind words made me realize that I have an amazing support group and when I'm down I should rely on them instead of the toxic combination of beer and rum. It's funny how people always manage to come to your side even when you feel like there is no one out there.

I need a change. If I don't take control over my own life again I will be miserable and my dreams will be even further away than they feel right now. I need to become proactive. Above all things I need to start playing the leading lady in my own life as opposed to the apathetic, self destructive best friend who ruins her life. I don't know exactly how to become myself again but I have to do something. I can't live with this mess inside of myself.

If I manage to figure anything out I'll keep you posted

Invasion of the Laura snatchers

2009-02-19T09:28:00.000-08:00

You know how I said "when you're lost you can find paths that you never knew existed"?...I'm not nearly so optimistic about life today. For the last two weeks I have felt an emotional storm brewing deep inside me and occasionally it rears its ugly head.

I have grown tired of my meaningless hours at work. I even dusted today in order to make myself feel like I actually have a purpose. It didn't work. All I do is sit here and think about life and how I have no control over what the future holds. Last week I had a horrible vocal lesson with my professor and after it was over I cried...not just cried...I sobbed to the point of not being able to breathe. During my sob session I had a million thoughts run through my head and one of them was "why is music not fun anymore?". I have been struggling with this since then. Each time I try to practice it's like pulling teeth. I feel like I can't sing anymore. After 15 minutes of pointless practicing I will just stare at the piano and tears will well up once again. I'm not myself anymore and I don't like the pod person who has taken over my body.

I literally feel like a zombie. I walk around every day with a certain apathy and life has lost its luster. I used to have a sparkle especially while I was onstage. I don't know where that sparkle has gone. I had a lesson yesterday and when Dr. P asked how everything was I immediately let out the water works. He really listened to me and tried his best to help. We both decided that it will be good for me to take a month off and find my drive again. My only assignment this month is to watch broadway divas in their element and rent musicals that I've never seen before so that maybe I will return to my normal self. Only time will tell if that actually happens.

I have to admit I am very afraid right now. I have been a singer since I was old enough to talk and without music what am I? I don't want to give up all of my dreams. I still want to be a professional performer but I feel like everything is far out of my reach right now. I've been an extremely passionate person my entire life and it really bothers me that all of my passion is gone. I realize that we all go through this to some extent during life but I'm exhausted and emotionally drained. I'm also tried of being so bipolar...didn't I just write about being in a fantastic mood and everything?? I don't know what is wrong with me but I think it's safe to say that I am a mess. I hope above all hopes that my upcoming New York vacation will send some answers my way. I can't live like this much longer.

The Aftermath

2009-02-16T09:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I survived Valentine's day. I took on the day with a big bag of chocolate and a bottle of wine. I guess it was my way of numbing myself. I know that sounds terrible but, in a way, it's true. I spent my evening with two of my best friends and we talked and watched old horror films together. It was a great way to end the worst holiday of the year. My friends are fantastic and I'm really going to miss them when I move. I had to work in the evening on Valentine's day so I spent my morning/afternoon making a video for one of my best friends in New York. She's a little bummed right now and I wanted to do something for her even though I'm so far away. I filmed different places around Hays that have some meaning to the both of us. Overall, the video turned out really nice. I was very pleased with myself. I hope to make more videos for friends in the future.

I bought my juicer the other day and it's not as amazing as I thought it would be. I almost used an entire package of blueberries, about 9 strawberries and almost a whole bag of carrots to get a little under 12 oz of juice. I decided to bring some homemade juice to work for lunch and barely got through 1/4 of it when I felt like I was going to puke. Needless to say I poured the rest of it out and I haven't tried to use the juicer since. I'm hoping that I can get things together and make the most of my purchase.

Other than the juicing shenanigans I don't have a lot going on right now. I am planning another trip to NYC at the beginning of May. I decided that I want to put my tax return to some good use so I'm booking my tickets later this week. I think it will be good for me to go back to the city and see if I really want to move there. I also miss my friends that live there. I'm hoping that I find my drive once again once I go back to the city. I've been walking around like a passionless zombie recently and I don't really know what makes me happy anymore. I want to feel like myself again.

Well, I think I'm going to end this entry now and figure out something else to do with my remaining 4 1/2 hrs of work.

lovelovelove!

Healthy Heart

2009-02-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

I feel fantastic today blueberries!

And you know what the best part is??? I have no idea why I am such a good mood but I hope that this glorious feeling continues. Well, I guess I kind of know why. Let me elaborate...

In previous entries I've written about a very interesting class I took a few years ago called "sociology of death and dying". When I first enrolled in the class I was a little hesitant because of the subject matter but it turned out to be my favorite class that I have taken at FHSU. (No-this blog entry is not all about death and such things). Anywho, during the class we watched a segment of Oprah where she had a few cancer patients talk about their survival and how they cope with the disease day to day. That was when I was first introduced to the "crazy sexy cancer" goddess known as Kris Carr. When she was diagnosed she was an aspiring actress in NYC. On Valentine's day of 2003 the doctors told her that she had stage 4 cancer of the vascular system. This is a rare type of cancer and there is no stage 5. She immediately dealved into a new lifestyle of veggies, meditation and dancing and is now comfortably living with her cancer at a standstill and some of her tumors have actually started to shrink. She made a documentary called Crazy Sexy Cancer and I bought it the other day. I was incredibly inspired by her story and even though I don't have cancer (and hope I never will) I've decided to adapt some of her daily routines.

In the documentary, she talks about how she dances to one song every morning because it puts her in a good mood. I danced to a song this morning and I probably looked terribly silly but when I got done I felt awesome. I have also started to meditate for 5 minutes a day. It's simply a practice that clears your mind and helps you focus on yourself instead of all the other things that are going on in the world. I haven't felt this much mental clarity in quite some time. I'm not a buddhist or anything. I just take some quiet time for myself each morning because if I didn't I would probably go insane.

Also (this is my favorite part) I am going to buy a juicer and a blender with my tax return and start making my own veggie vixen juices and smoothies. My body has felt really out of whack recently and I believe that it has a lot to do with what I have been putting into my body. I think I will feel much better if I start eating healthier and I can't wait to try out some new recipes I've found. I'm also going to try and cut diet pop and coffee out of my diet. We'll see if that happens though.

I feel refreshed today and I love that. I haven't felt this good since I graduated in May. Slowly, I'm coming to terms with this transistional period in my life. I will come out of this a stronger and better person.

I know I won' eat healthy all the time...this sort of thing is inevitable. In fact I know that on Valentine's day all bets are off. Along with the fruits and veggies that I bought last night, I also bought a bag of dove chocolate for myself. On Valentine's day evening when I get off of work, I plan on drinking some wine, eating some chocolate and settling down with a 3 dvd set of old horror films featuring Vincent Price and Bela Lugosi. I am actually really looking forward to this and I can't wait for Valentines day to get here. I never thought I would say that. I do want a companion but since I don't have one I will simply take that day to love myself and my love for b horror films and chocolate. I don't know how the bold function just got turned on but now I don't know how to turn it off. I guess I'll stop writing for now. Have a peaceful monday!

Cheesy Cabin Fever

2009-02-04T11:25:00.000-08:00

Happy Wednesday milk duds,
It's 1:30 and I still have and hour and a half left at work. I have run out of online tv shows to watch and now I am ridiculously bored. Business has been decent today but right now I'm stuck in a never ending lull. I've played many games of mahjong..so much so that I see tiny Chinese tiles with pandas on them when I close my eyes. I read a few chapters in the Margaret Atwood book I jumped into a few weeks ago. She's a beautiful writer but even her words get boring after so long. So basicially I'm sitting here doing nothing at work, waiting for my time to leave so I can head off to the lesson that I haven't prepared for. A part of me wishes that Dr. P would be forgiving but I have a feeling that won't be this case. *sigh* bored....bored...bored

The opera went very well this weekend. My mother came on Saturday night to watch the performance. When she got out of the car I realized just how much I have missed her recently. We talk almost everyday but there's nothing that makes me happier than getting a huge hug from her and hearing her tell me that everything is going to be ok. After the show was over, as I was greeting the audience, I saw a few tears escape from her eyes. When I asked her why she was crying she just said that she was really proud of me. She has seen me in a million productions but each time she says those words I get a bit teary eyed myself. I like making her proud. This opera was a bittersweet experience for me because it is officially my last show at FHSU. I'm sure that the directors would be thrilled to give me the lead in the fall production for "Sweet Charity" but I can't keep reliving my college glory days. It's time to bite the bullet and grow up. There are many characters I have yet to play and many songs I have yet to sing. I only hope that I will find them in the near future. I grow tired of this uncertainty but, I've already written about that numerous times so I won't bore you with another "woe is me" sentence.

My work situation continues to frustrate me, then again when doesn't it? I've had the worse time trying to get my w2 from my boss. By law I was supposed to have it by Saturday. It is now Wednesday and I haven't seen it. I am headed home tomorrow to have my mother help with my taxes so I called my boss and demanded my w2. She gave me some excuse of "things getting lost in the mail" and told me that she was sending my paperwork to the store again today. I have to have it by tomorrow before I get off of work so we'll see what happens. I was really fired up about all of this yesterday but I've chilled a little since then. There is no use losing sleep over something that I can't control. I keep telling myself that it will only a few months and I will move onto something different. I know that these months will go by quickly and when I'm gone I will miss Hays but it's my time to leave. I've done all that I can in this town.

I'm not sure why I've chosen to get all sentimental in this entry. I guess it's because I've had a bit too much time to think today and that always gets me into trouble.

well, I'm going to stop this lengthy story soaked in cheese before I begin spouting sonnets and day dreaming about skipping through marigolds.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersen, adieu

Short but Meaningful

2009-01-30T09:20:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday!
I don't have a lot to say today and that's probably a good thing because my last blog was rather lengthy. I just wanted to say that I'm tired of being so down in the dumps all the time. I don't know what has come over me recently but I have lost touch with happy go lucky Laura.

I guess it's just a weird time in my life and I should stop trying so hard to find answers. There's a plan for everyone and mine will make itself known when I least expect it. Yes, I'm unhappy with my job and current situation in life but that doesn't me that I have to be unhappy. It is possible to be happily lost. When you're lost you can find paths that you never knew existed...right? It's weird but writing that statement really made me feel better.

Sorry I'm not making much sense this morning. I basically wanted to let my blog readers..er...I mean reader ;) know that I will be ok. It's ok for me to be alone right now because I really need to figure out who I am and what I want from life. Life isn't nearly as dramatic as I make it out to be. What can I say, I'm an actress and we thrive on drama

Have a fantastic weekend peaches!

Alone and yet Alive

2009-01-27T09:59:00.000-08:00

I'm a little blue today sweet cheeks,
It's a Tuesday and I am back in the boundaries of my retail prison. I had a few days off and it was nice to step away from the store and try to regain my sanity. I will let you know when/if that ever happens...

For reasons unknown to me, my hours have been cut. I worked a whopping 20 hrs last week and this week I am scheduled for the same. I guess it was some sort of scheduling error but I'm supposed to be working full time. 20 hours a week sure sounds like part time to me. This, on top of a multitude of other things, has been adding to my frustration with my current situation in life. The "savings" that I have been working hard to maintain is starting to bite the dust because of my new part time position. I'm glad I had something saved because I would be really broke right now if I hadn't. things will be tight but I'm sure I'll make it through the next few weeks.

My boss still continues to irritate me. I was planning a nice trip home on Feb 6-8 but because of her irresponsibility I now have to cut that visit short. She "can't work those hours because she's so busy with other things". What those "other things" are I will never know. I have already informed my co workers that if I don't find a job before hand my last day here will be on April 23. At that time I will be packing up my things and heading back to the borg to, hopefully, find my path once again.

I have managed to think myself into a depression within the last few days. I keep coming up with future plans but I never follow through with them. I'm trying to decide if grad school is the best idea for me. But, what else is there? My degree isn't very useful. One of my biggest fears is that I will just continue hopping from miserable job to miserable job and never be happy with life again. Last year I thought I had all the answers..it's funny to think about that now.

My head is so full of thoughts and concerns that I haven't been able to sleep recently. I stare at my clock until 3 or 4 am and pray that sleep will come. I am a zombie by the time 8 am rolls around but I have to get out of bed anyway. This is no way to live life. I realized yesterday as I was drinking a cup of coffee at my favorite local coffee shop that I spend way too much time by myself. When I am at work, I am alone. When I have days off, I am alone even when have a free evening, I am still alone. When I'm alone all I do is think about what I should be doing with my life or how I should be handling issues that have been brought before me. I think about these things so much that I don't have room for happy thoughts anymore. I really don't like that. As I sat with my cafe ole yesterday and watched to snow fall on the streets I was surrounded by many fellow caffeine addicts but I still felt alone. I've been single for 24 years and you would think by now I would be used to it but my loneliness gnaws at me everyday

I assume that life is figure itself out before long and I apologize if it seems that I am complaining. I always get a little sad around this time of year because valentine's day is looming in the distance. My roommate also just got engaged and while I am overjoyed for her it has made me realize just how alone I feel. When that horrible day in February comes all I will have to keep me company is a bag of dove chocolate and a twinge of hope for the future.

Someday my ship will come in...

Changing for the Better

2009-01-16T11:07:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday Sugar Plums,

Once again I'm killing time at work. It's a slow Friday but, then again, every day is slow so I shouldn't be surprised. I know I shouldn't write a blog about my store's financial issues but I'm going to and I'll deal with the consequences if they happen to arise.

I am a little concerned today. The failing economy has definitely taken it's toll on the store and I have a very strong feeling that we will close our doors soon. I can't blame this all on the economy though because my boss can't seem to manage her finances. I was informed yesterday that the guys who put up our sign have not been paid yet. Keep in mind, we have been open for a good 5 months now and this should have been dealt with. The sign guys informed us that they visited the court house before coming to our store and the money will get to them "whether we like it or not". If it were up to me I would have paid them on the spot but I don't have the authority to do so. I am the "manager" of this store but I have no clue what goes on half the time. There are many other people that have not been paid and my boss has chosen to avoid their phone calls, making no attempt whatsoever to pay them in any way. I am angry that I have gotten myself into this situation. I should have trusted my instincts when I took this position but the daydream of this job sucked me in. The daydream is now over and reality is slapping me in the face. I have tried to remain positive about my place of work. I have stood up for my boss when others talked down to her, I have dealt with the bill collectors calling non-stop and I have sat on my ass for too many hours. I'm tired and I need a change.

There is one problem with this "change" though. I'm only going to be in hays for 3 1/2 more months and trying to find a job right now is ridiculous. I've been browsing the classifieds and have found nothing. I feel helpless and I hate that more than I can say. All I want to is to straighten out my life and live comfortably. I want a job that is somewhat rewarding but what I really want to do is go back to school. I'm still trying to get things in line for Stella Adler but this lack of job security has been on my mind and has gotten in the way of what I want. I guess it's silly to have such big dreams when things are so uncertain. I still intend to turn this around and I refuse to let anything stop me.

I'm just stuck. I want to find a job that I can tolerate for another 4 months and then forget about. I am tired of being lied to at this job and I'm sick of how unreliable my boss has become. I'm starting to complain right now so I will stop. I'll keep you posted on what goes on in my life.

Big Apple, Big Mountains, Big Plans

2009-01-13T09:34:00.000-08:00

Good Morning Peaches!

I am, once again, at good ol' Retail Therapy wasting time on the internet because business refuses to pick up. The mall is eerily quiet and I'm getting a touch of cabin fever. I only have 3 1/2 more hours left here. Today is a shorter shift for me because at 3:30 I am going to be shooting a commercial for Nex Tech. One of the representatives called me at the store on Wednesday and asked if I would interested in filming a commercial for their valentine's day promotion. Of course I said yes. I am playing a contestant on a love connection type game show and I fall in love with Lightening Jack (big bunny rabbit that is the nex tech mascot). The overall plot is a little cheesy but I get paid for it so I can't complain very much. I'm excited that I actually get to film a commercial finally. It was a bit of a tease when I was scheduled to film a few months ago and never got the chance. If I end up getting a dvd of it I will try to be technically savy and post the video on this blog. I've never done that before but I'm sure it is rather simple. I'll let you know how everything goes.

My diet continues and I feel good. I've become a veggie and fruit fiend recently and my body feels a lot better. Since my last blog I have lost 4 lbs and I will continue to do so. The pound plunge has started here in Hays and my weekly weigh is on Thursday. I thought that my weekend away would really screw things up but I managed to maintain the weight loss. yay for being healthy!!!

I had a wonderful time in Colorado with the family. It was nice to get away from Hays for awhile and see the mountains. I forgot how absolutely beautiful they are. If I wasn't so hellbent on NYC I would consider moving to Colorado but I don't think that is in the cards for me right now. It's always nice to go visit though and I wish I could travel more often...maybe I'll be able to after I make my millions...

Speaking of the big apple, I am slowly getting my application ready for Stella Adler. I've requested letters of recommendation from 2 of my college professors and should receive them tomorrow after work. I am also going to print off the actual application while I'm galavanting around campus tomorrow. Hopefully my headshots will be scheduled in the near future. I've been pricing professional photographers around town and my mom thinks I might get a better deal in Lindsborg. I will continue to check things out and further the application process. My biggest obstacle should be getting my audition dvd together. I need to find monologues and a dvd recorder and a videographer with some spare time. I am going to make this happen though. I don't like my current situation in life and I am determined to turn things around. oh yeah, an added benefit to Stella Adler is the guest teachers. Apparently, Benecio Del Toro, Olympia Dukakis and Philip Seymour Hoffman all teach at the school from time to time. I may be hitting it off with the stars before you know it! More information will come as my plans progress.

I really feel settled when I think of going back to get my masters. Before I just had plans to move to NYC and find a random job but with another degree I'm sure I will have many more options and it's inevitable that I will be part of a decent network. I hope I get accepted.

My first rehearsal for the opera was on Sunday. I didn't have the whole thing memorized but Dr. P didn't really seem to notice. I was a little worried but things turned out just fine. I have another rehearsal this evening after I get done filming my commercial. It will be a long day but at least it's full of things that actually interest me and I won't be stuck behind this god forsaken counter all day.

With that said I am going to continue my internet browsing and bid you all a warm farewell.

By the way, I want to give a big shout out to my dear sister Lisa for reading my blog because I'm pretty sure no one else does. Love you Deeda!!

2009 will be Stella!!

2009-01-03T10:19:00.000-08:00

Well Kittens, it's 2009 and I have a great feeling about this year. 2008 was awesome and I know, deep down that 2009 will be even better. Provided the economy starts to dig itself out of the gaping whole that it is right now. I only say this because I have been sitting at work for a good 2 hrs and have barely sold $100 worth of merchandise. I guess everyone got their fill of retail therapy during the holidays. I must say that the holidays were good to us. It has been a crazy 2 months and I am glad that it's all over. I never thought I would breathe a sigh of relief while taking down a Christmas tree but I let out a few while taking decorations down the other day. I love the holidays but I also like to see them go. The food was great but did a number on my diet. I guess that's why we have New year's resolutions, eh?

I am in much better spirits since I last blogged. I'm not sure if it's the beginning of a new year that has lightened my mood or if it's simply the fact that I've stopped worrying myself into neurosis. Regardless, I am happier...not completely happy but I have getting there slowly. I feel like the quarter life crisis is melting away like the piles of snow that accumulated on the sidewalk downtown. They are still there but are getting smaller each day and before too long they will cease to exist.

Now that business has died down a bit I am starting to focus on myself again. As I said before, I am getting back into a regular gym routine and moderating my chocolate intake. It amazes me how fantastic I feel after a good workout. I love the rush. I am also going to be in the college opera that opens on January 31st. We are performing Richard Faith's "The Little Match Stick Girl". It's a short, modern opera based on an old fairy tale about a young girl who sells matchsticks to make a living. She ends up freezing in the streets and dies of hypothermia (happy times huh) Her grandmother (yours truly) appears as a ghost who takes her up to heaven. I don't have a big role but it will be nice to be onstage again. I'm supposed to have the whole thing memorized by next Friday and I have yet to look at it. I guess I know what I'll be doing this week. I wish I didn't procrastinate as much as I do. It only causes me to worry.

I will have some time to look over the opera next week as I am driving to Colorado. I haven't been out to visit my family in the longest time so I decided that there is no time like the present. It will be good to get out of Hays for awhile and hang out with my dad. Luckily one of my sisters is going with me so I don't have to make the drive all by myself. I'm not a big fan of driving.

Let's see...I am still teaching lessons and loving every minute of it. I added a new student to my studio. He is a 16 yr old boy and needless to say, teaching him has been a learning experience. I normally teach middle school aged girls and each day I'm learning what I need to teach an older boy. I have grown as a teacher but I am still certain that I was meant to perform. I am still taking lessons as well. I haven't had one in 3 weeks but that is because of winter break. They should be starting up before too long and I'm excited. I've discovered something that I am extremely excited about and I want to discuss it with Dr. P.

I was pretty bored at work yesterday so I decided to google "Acting schools NYC". I clicked on a few links and found nothing special. I was about to close out the search when I stumbled upon an interesting website. I found a school called the "Stella Adler studio of acting". I looked around and they offer a 2.5 yr conservatory program that sounds so incredibly awesome. I can't even put into words how amazing it all sounds. The classes focus on a range of different areas dealing with the stage from intensive Shakespeare work to ballet. Everything sounds like exactly what I need to make my dreams come true. After completing the program I will have the equivilent of an MFA (masters of fine arts). The cost is decent too especially for a grad school in NYC. A lot of famous people have graduated from Stella Adler including Selma Hayek, Marlon Brando and Robert De Niro. I don't know if I will be able to make all of this happen but I am going to try my hardest. The deadline for my application is March 15. I have to send in a resume, headshots, 2 letters of recommendation, my application, an audition DVD and a $50 non-refundable application fee. Classes would start in September and I would find it really interesting if they started on my birthday. I have to discuss the topic with Dr. P and my parents but I want to make this happen. wish me luck!

well, I think that's all for now. I'm going to continue being bored at work and hope that the next 3 hrs fly by. I hope that life is treating everyone well!

And so this is Christmas...

2008-12-25T18:06:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone!

I have returned from my travels to the thriving metropolis of Lindsborg and I am now back in Hays to take on the world of retail for 12 hrs tomorrow. I have to admit that I am a little bummed this evening. I wish I could have stayed with my family for just a bit longer. All of my friends are with their respective families and I am here...alone in my apartment.

Before my glorious 5 day vacation I spent every waking hour at the store. We were super busy, which is wonderful, but I my last 2 shifts were both 12 hrs long and I have to turn around and do the same thing tomorrow. It's good money I guess but it all adds a little to my current mood.

I had fun with friends and family in the borg. Everyone made my Christmas break a good one but there is still something missing. The holidays make me a little lonely sometimes. I realize that I am better off without a siginificant other right now but it would be nice to have someone to come home to. I've never really had that before and it gets to me sometimes. You all can tell me that my time will come and I realize that but my life is a big ball of uncertainty right now. Everything is up in the air and that makes me a little scared. I want a plan of some sort or even a little nudge in the right direction. My biggest fear is that I will be ringing in the new year by myself with only a bottle of champagne and chocolate to keep me company. I'm sure that won't be the case but I am just a little worried. I'm also a little upset because my east coast friends are only in Hays for a few more days and I haven't gotten to spend much time with them. They are the people who keep me sane most of the time and I have a feeling that my sanity will leave with them. *sigh* I guess there is no use wallowing in my self pity.

There isn't much more to say. I am going to try and enjoy the last of my break and pray that I get some answers soon. This quarter life crisis is not treating me very well

Life or Lack Thereof

2008-12-04T10:58:00.000-08:00

Once again I am attempting to kill some time at work. It seems like my hours spent in this store drag on and fulfilling an 8 hr shift is liking pulling teeth. I fear that I am a little bitter on this random Thursday and that is due to the fact that my life is boring and I feel like don't have a purpose to get out of bed in the morning. I won't ramble on about my lack of direction but I will say that I officially have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I made it through black Friday...barely. I managed to get sick just in time for Thanksgiving. 6 am came very early and between the cold winter chill and my fever I was not a happy camper that morning. Luckily, I looked awful enough that I got to go home early. I spent 4 hrs at the store and then enjoyed the rest of the freezing winter day from underneath my covers at home in bed. Words can't describe how pleasant that was. I've managed to recover from my holiday sickness but I'm sure it will return just in time for Christmas. *sigh*

Since my last blog I have once again lost the dating battle. I'm not sure what happened between me and the "awesome" guy but after our date he stopped talking to me. I guess he was turned off by my natural charm. I fear that I will once again be buying myself a bag of chocolates for Valentines day. A relationship probably would've kept me in Hays so I guess I should be glad that nothing developed. However, I am just about to give up on the idea of dating. It's too much work and I'm not sure if my heart can take anymore rejection. I apologize for sounding like a damsel in distress. Sometimes my dramatic side gets the best of me.

Recently I've been discussing my current unhappiness with anyone who will lend an ear and I've even gotten tired of explaining myself. My dreams of moving to the east coast seem to be a bit further away recently. My savings has kind of gone down the tubes and I also can't decide if I want to move that far away from my family. I really don't what I want to do. I've toyed around with the idea of moving to Colorado but that's just me trying to create some sort of plan. I would really like some guidance right now. I don't like feeling lost.

"Jane! Get me off this Crazy Thing..."

2008-11-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that it's already nearing the end of November. I never believed my mother when she told me that time starts to fly by once you reach your mid twenties but now I realize just how truthful her words were. It seriously seems like my birthday was a couple of weeks ago. Where did time go?

Due to the fact that time has started to breeze by at ludacris speed I have recently become stressed out and overwhelmed. In less than a month I have to have five songs memorized for my vocal juries and do I have to work on them? No! I'm stuck at this store all day and, to be totally honest, that has been the main cause of my stress. I realize that I shouldn't write bad things about my job over the internet but it has come to the point where work as consumed me and something needs to change. My boss's financial instability has been rearing its ugly head recently. She is never around the store so I have to deal with creditors calling and blaming me for bounced checks or past due bills. When I tell them that it is out of my hands, they don't believe me. I have always been the type of person to interalize things so each firey phone call is like a tiny knife jabbed into my ego. I could go on about all of the things that my boss and I don't agree on but I will spare you all. I will say that I have started a job hunt in Hays and I am determined to find one soon. My stress is mounting and I've developed an unhealthy wine and chocolate habit. I guess you could say that it's my soul food...or maybe I'm just a lush with a sweet tooth. I have yet to decide.

In other news, I may have met someone. I say this with the utmost caution because each time I "meet" someone everything ends in disaster. I get too attached, they just want to be friends and my heart is broken. It's a vicious cycle that I have grown accustomed to since middle school. I've gotten to the point where I have stopped hoping for anything. With that said, this someone that I met is a really nice guy who shares many similar interests with me. He's only a few months older than I am and he seems to be a very driven and overall cool person. I met him last weekend and we hit it off well. I'm sure I will let you all know if anything develops but don't get your hopes up just yet. Aphroditie and I have been at war for some time now and I dont' know if that will end anytime soon. I hope that it does though because I'm a little tired of buying chocolates for myself on Valentines day. *sigh*

I have come to the point in my quarter life crisis where I've realized that my future is very uncertain. I haven't been able to save money like I've been wanting and the online job search has proved to be fruitless. This uncertainty scares me quite a bit and I hope for a change. For some reason I'm not nearly as optimistic as I once was and the constant worrying has started to wear on me. I spent last Sunday and Monday in bed and I could go for another Rip Van Winkle sleep session. Someday I'll learn to ride the wave where it takes me. Until then I will try to live one day at a time.

Well dear family and friends, I am going to end this post and hopefully make it through the remaining 4 hours of my shift. Have a blessed Thanksgiving and think of me as I'm working at 6 am on black friday :( I hate retail!

Politics, the Economy and What Not

2008-11-06T09:42:00.000-08:00

Life has evened out a little since my last blog. I realize that it's only been a week or so but I am feeling better. Gina's funeral was very nice and I'm glad I was there to experience it.

I thought about writing a politically themed blog but chose not to. I don't really follow politics because I have seen the heated debates that my family members get into whenever certain topics are discussed. However, I will say this: I am happy that a historic event such as this has taken place in my lifetime. I am glad that the nation is willing to change and I hope for the best when Obama takes office. I realize everyone has a different opinion about this topic and I respect that. I am merely stating my feelings. I've never been one to debate. In fact, i started crying during a highschool debate about R rated movies so please don't bother arguing with me. Things are changing and only time will tell what happens.

My main concern as of late is the struggling economy. I say this now because the store has been open for almost 2 hrs and I have yet to sell anything. These slow days at work really make me fear for my job and next paycheck. I guess I should start looking for a safety net soon but I don't have the energy to do so. A part of me wishes I could jump on a plane and head out now. Don't worry, I won't.

I did have an interesting talk with my vocal teacher as he was bleeding red ink all over my resume. He asked what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and I gave him the usual "Dr. P, I really have no clue". He's used to my weekly dramatic rants so I'm sure this came as no surprise to him. I told him about my east coast thoughts and he just said "Well, what are you waiting for?". I was speechless. What am I waiting for? I still intend to spend the summer with my family but after that there are no excuses. He told me to "just go" and see where my life leads me. I like to make plans but there comes a point where plans don't work anymore. It will be scary but no matter where my life is in August I am moving. If I want to pursue my dreams I have to. There is no other option for me.

I don't have much more to say. Life feels a little uncertain at this point but I assume that all will even out in due time. For now I will say goodbye and hope that the election results have not left you all in a tizzy. Peace and Love!

Gina

2008-10-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

Last year I took a really interesting class called "Sociology of Death and Dying". The whole class focused on how people cope with death and the different things that the body goes through while dying. I enjoyed the class a great deal and it taught me a lot. I learned that the human mind is capable of a lot amazing things such as keeping cancer at a stand still or curing an illness all together. I had never met anyone with such strength until I was blessed to meet Gina.

I know that I complain about my work environment a lot but there is one aspect about working here that I really enjoy. We sell merchandise that supports breast cancer and 20% of those proceeds go to a local breast cancer support group called "The Sisters of Survivorship". A few days after the store opened I was working with my boss one evening when a women walked into the store. She was using a cane, had a hearing aid and no hair. I said my usual hello and she gave me a beautiful smile. Lois looked up from her paperwork and immediately walked to embrace the woman. They had a lengthy conversation full of tears and laughter. This woman, Gina, had been a breast cancer survivor and had recently learned that the cancer had returned and had spread to her lungs, brain and bones. Apparently, the doctors told Gina that she should've died a year ago but she held on. When I met her she had so much passion and was by far one of the strongest women I have ever had the chance to meet. She was so grateful for everything that she had and took nothing for granted. She left the store that day with a smile on her face and that smile is something that I have yet to forget.

Throughout the last few months Gina stopped in to say hello and see how her favorite Retail Therapy ladies were doing. I enjoyed seeing her each time she came into the store. One day she showed up with a picture of her hand saying "I love you" in sign language and a breast cancer ribbon next to it. She gave it to us as a gift. That day was the last day I saw her walking.

Last weekend I helped with the annual "Day of Caring" on the FHSU campus. I had helped with some of the organization and also assisted some of the models that were going to be in the fashion show. Earlier in the morning I sat at a booth and sold out breast cancer merchandise and that is were I saw Gina. She was in a wheelchair and still had that beautiful smile. She looked much weaker than she had before but she was determined to be the best model in the fashion show. Once the show was under way, she couldn't walk down the "runway" but she stood up in her wheelchair and received a thunderous applause. I like to think that she was on top of the world that day. Unfortunatly, that would be the last time that our paths would ever cross.

I was informed yesterday that Gina died late Saturday night. The cancer had decided that it was her time to leave. A part of me likes to think that she held on just so that she could be a model in the fashion show. Once the show was over she knew that it was ok to go. Her mother stopped in the store earlier today to pay for the shirt that Gina wore. I told her not to worry about paying for anything. Gina's mom gave me a sweet look and I could tell that she was holding back a few tears. She told me that up until the last moment of her life, Gina was ranting and raving aboout the girls at Retail Therapy and how she loved all of them. Her mom also said that the day of the fashion show was one of the greatest of Gina's life.

I often wonder what Gina was like before the cancer hit. She had the ability to have a huge impact on my life in the 3 months that I had known her. I only wish that I could've gotten to know her sooner. Gina is a prime example of a "good death" as my sociology teacher called it. She accepted her fate and truly began living once she was diagnosed. Her story reminds me of the book "Tuesdays with Morrie". She shared many charateristics with Morrie and both had such a passion for life. I can only hope that I would be able to cope with death as well as they did.

Losing loved ones is the hardest aspect of living. We don't know where or when it will happen. All we know is that death will indeed happen. It is days like today when I am inspired to live my life to the fullest with no regrets and cherish those around me with every passing moment. I wish there was a way to tell Gina that she had such an impact on my life but I think that she is looking down on all of us and she knows how much we cared. I'm sure she is an angel now and still has that beautiful smile spread across her face.

Rest in Peace Gina, you will be missed.

Letting Go

2008-10-24T16:32:00.001-07:00

It's another slow day at the store so I felt the need to blog. I don't really have any updates but I need something to do to pass the time. I apologize if this blog is a bit scattered. I have a million thoughts going through my head right now.

I am currently suffering from a very bad stomach that has been bothering me for the last hour or so. We recently got gourmet chocolate at work and I ate a bit too much. I have the worst sweet tooth in the world and I wish that I didn't. It sucks to maintain a healthy diet when chocolate is all that I think about. I like being healthy but I really hate dieting. It's such a pain and there are days when I think I look like an ogre or something. I realize that this is not the case and I'm much better off now than I was 30 lbs ago but the bottom line is that weight loss sucks...end of story. It takes a strong person to lose weight and keep it off. I just hope that I'm strong enough to do so. What I am I saying? I am strong enough :)

I went to the first college choir concert of the year last night. It was good but I felt really strange just sitting in the audience instead of being onstage with everyone. I actually got a little teary eyed when the choir took the stage. I'm not sure why but I'm having the hardest time letting go of my college life. I have been a student of some sort ever since I was 5 yrs old and now, 19 yrs later, I'm just an adult. Overall, college was the best experience I've ever had. It turned me into the opinionated, head strong woman that I am today and I owe a lot of that to the people that have come and gone in my life. I remember graduating high school and thinking that my world was over. My entire freshman year of college was spent in a state of confusion as to if I should stay or move back home. God only knows where I would be if wouldn't have stayed in college. I have truly been blessed in my 24 years of existence and I hope that more amazing memories are waiting for me in future. All I can do is hope...

I recently watched a fantastic movie called "August Rush". I recommend it to anyone who has an interest in music of any kind. My wonderful roommate bought me the soundtrack today and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. The whole movie is wonderful and very inspiring. Overall, it's a good flick. Check it out.

well, there is not much more that I can say right now. Nothing too interesting is happening and I fear that I will ramble even more if I continue this blog. Have a great weekend! I'm not sure who I'm talking to by saying that but have a great one anyway!

And So It Goes...

2008-10-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

Bill stopped by the store on Friday to let me know that the commercials were a "no go". Apparently Nex Tech decided to take a completely different route for their holiday promotion and that route didn't involve me. I was a little bummed but I guess my 15 minutes of fame will come at another time. Thinking about it, I would like to have much more than simply 15 minutes. I told Bill to let me know if any other opportunities pop up and he said that he would be sure to give me a call.

In other news, we had our grand opening at the store on Friday. I spent many hours cleaning and preparing food for the public to enjoy. A lot of the chamber members showed up and that surprised me a little. We had decent business that day and I got paid on time with no drama whatsoever. Overall, it was a good day.

I went home last weekend and hung out with my Lindsborg family for awhile. My sister helped me complete my not so impressive resume. I guess I couldn't expect a lot being fresh out of college but I'm beginning to wonder if I did anything useful. I'm going to tweek the resume a little and email it to a few friends to get some feedback and then it is off into the great blackhole that we call the real world.

Other than work, there is not much going on in my life. I'm still teaching lessons and taking lessons and both have been going well. The girls that I teach are so funny sometimes and they make life a little less stressful.

I think that is all for now. I'm going to make the most of the rest of my shift at work and dream of other jobs that actually challenge me. Cheers!

A Face for TV

2008-10-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

An interesting opportunity has been presented to me and I'm rather excited about it. A theater friend of mine, Bill, works for a local telephone/cable/internet company and wants me to be featured in two different commercials. These commercials aren't anything huge but I will be on tv in the Hays area and I get paid. This is my first paying "gig" and I'm really excited about it. In the first commercial, I play Bill's wife. This sort of thing comes pretty natural to me because Bill and I have played opposite each other through the majority of my college career. In the second commercial I play a mother who takes her daughter out to a Christmas tree farm. This probably won't come as naturally to me because I'm not exactly the "mother" type. My idea of having children is getting a dog when I move into a bigger place. Overall, the experience will be a good one and a great addition to my performance resume.

Work has gotten better. My last paycheck came on time with very little drama and that made me very happy. I started setting back a little bit of money from each paycheck so I can save up for the big move that I'm intending to make. I still haven't figured out where that will be but as soon as I do I will let you all know. My friend, Chris, has a few connections with some theaters in DC and he has done some research for me. Before long I'm going to post a resume and see what is out there. As of right now, I still intend to move to my mom's house once my lease is up in April and make a bigger move in August of next year. I want a relaxing summer with my family and it will also be a good way to save some more money. I still have faith that my questions will be answered before too long but I'm getting a little impatient.

I've started teaching vocal/acting lessons to two wonderful little girls that have been in the community theater with me for a few years. We started two days ago and I have a feeling that they will be a joy to work with. Both of them have huge personalities and their mother is a fantastic lady. I'm really happy that I am getting the opportunity to teach again because it makes me feel like I have a purpose and also makes my hours behind the cash register a little less mind numbing.

The weather has started to change and with it has come a sense of renewal. Fall is by far my favorite season. I love the smells, the chilly weather and the overall spirit of the season. Right now all I want to do is curl up in a blanket with a cup of hot cider and watch a movie or read a book. I fear that I can't do that right now but it's always nice to daydream

Trying to Find my Place in this World

2008-09-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to think that I should have gotten a more useful degree. I love music and that is why I chose the degree that I did but finding a job in my field is difficult. I've been looking on a gazillion websites in the last few days and have yet to find anything that suits me. My frustration is mounting daily.

I've been thinking about the different places that I want to live and one place in general has struck my interest. My sister, April, suggested that I visit a website called findyourspot.com. The website asks you a bunch of questions about your living standards and then produces a list of possible places that would suit your needs. The top of my list was Worcester, Massachusetts. I've been researching the city and the more research I do, the more I like what I see. I've even found an apartment complex that has very reasonably priced apartments. I've looked at one of the apartments online and it looks adorable. It has big bay windows, a fireplace and all hardwood floors. It's in a great location too. There's a place close by that hosts an open mic night every monday and the apartments are really close to the artist district. I think that would fit my needs rather well. My only obstacle right now is finding a decent job and planning a visit to the city. I feel a little silly because I'm so excited about what I've found and I've never even visited Worcester before. We'll see what happens. I hope I'm being lead in the right direction. I guess that's why I just have to have faith that everything will work out the way that it's supposed to.

I know that I'm going to miss Kansas once I leave but every day I am more ready to move. I find myself getting frustrated that I'm stuck behind a cash register every day and not out doing what I want to be doing. Business at the store has been pretty terrible recently and I fear that we may be on the verge of going under. I've also had a few issues with my paychecks and I'm beginning to think that I need to start looking for a different job. It's a little upsetting because I've just started to get used to everything in the store and I really enjoy how flexible my hours are. I've decided that I'm going to wait until next Friday (my next pay day) to decide what to do. I hate being a responsible adult sometimes.

Other than the job, my life has been relatively slow. My roommate and I are still getting along fabulously and I really enjoy having my weekly lesson with Dr. Perniciaro. I miss my music friends and sometimes I find myself missing class. I guess I'm having a hard time letting go of my college experience and everything that came with it. It's time to move on though. There is no use dwelling on the past. Growing up is kind of a pain sometimes.

I will leave you now and continue to browse the internet for jobs that I can't have. Have a fantastic Friday!

East Coast Swing

2008-09-13T17:54:00.000-07:00

My goal was to keep this site updated as much as possible but I fear that I am failing miserably. It seems that life has gotten the best of me and I haven't had much time to devote to blogging. I am currently at work and the mall is like a ghost town so I decided to hop on the internet and search for future jobs and places to live. I've been looking into moving to the east coast, possibly somewhere near the DC area. No plans have been made and I'm still in a lease until April but it puts my mind at ease to plan for the future. I have a few friends who live on the east coast and they enjoy life in that area. We'll see what the future has in store for me.

The play went very well. The snake cooperated with me until the last night when she thought it would be a great idea to lunge at my neck while I was backstage. I don't think that her intention was to bite me but, needless to say, I was more than willing to give her back when the time came. I enjoyed being a part of such an amazing cast and I loved watching each member light up the stage. This experience is one that will stay with me my entire life. I can't wait to be involved in another show.

Other than working on the arts council production, my life has been consumed with work. I spend the majority of my time behind this cash register and I often wonder if there is more to life than this. I realize that there is but the 10 hr shifts make me feel otherwise. Overall, I do enjoy my job. I get paid too much to do the work that I do but we won't discuss this issue with my boss. I've been attempting to save a little money so I will be able to move when the time comes.

I am still taking lessons with my vocal professor and he manages to inspire me every week. Dr. Perniciaro really believes in me and I am blessed to have found such a dedicated teacher. We work well together and have our fair share of laughter as well. I believe that he will be a great help when I decide to leave Kansas.

I guess I should end this blog for now. I don't have much else to write and the mall is only open for another hour. I have to do my nightly cleaning and straightening. I love you all!

Living and Learning about the "Real World"

2008-08-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

Life has been rather busy recently. The store finally opened on August 1st and business has been booming. It seems like all of the people in Hays really needed a session of retail therapy. I've been working many hours at the store but I've enjoyed almost every minute of it.I've been learning the ropes as the store manager and every day I feel like more of an adult...it's weird. However, it is always nice to have a day off and relax.

My life outside of work has been quiet. I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I don't have to worry about the first day that school starts or when fall break will be. I guess this all comes with the new chapter that has opened in the book of Laura.

I've been asked to do a theater production with the Hays Arts Council. Opening night is September 4th and that just so happens to be my 24th birthday. We are doing a series of 11 different monologues called "Talking With". Each monologues deals with a different obsession. My character, Caro, is a country bumpkin who is obsessed with snakes. Towards the end of the monologue I actually have to pick up a live snake and hold it while I speak. The idea scares me a little but I'm up for the challenge. I believe it will be good for me.

Since I haven't been able to take a vacation all summer, I've decided to spend some extra money to travel to the Bluegrass festival in Winfield Kansas on September 18th. My sister April goes there every year and I know it will be an awesome time. I can't wait to get away from Hays for a weekend, listen to some great music and hang out with amazing people.

Well faithful blog readers, I am off to make the most of my day away from work. I hope that life is treating everyone well. I will write more as my adult life develops

A brief update that is not so brief

2008-07-26T08:26:00.000-07:00

My life has been pretty hectic recently and I realized that I have managed to keep some of my family members and close friends in the dark about what is going on in my life. Since I seem to have forgotten how to use a telephone I thought that creating a blog would be the best way for everyone to know what I'm up to. so..without further ado, here is a brief update on my life thus far. Keep in mind that I didn't get a degree in English so if I have some misplaced commas, run-on sentences or misspelled words forgive me :)

Most of you know that I started going to college about 5 years ago at Fort Hays State University. At the time I thought that teaching music would be the best route for me to take so I dove head first into some intense theory classes and mind numbing hours of learning every scale possible. At the beginning of my second semester I realized that music wasn't fun for me anymore and the idea truly terrified me. I almost threw in the towel and moved back home but during my second semester something inside of me changed. I had a discussion with my advisor about changing my degree and he suggested that I get a B.A. in music as opposed to an education degree. He explained that I would be forced to take as many theory and aural skills classes so I jumped at this opportunity. Changing my degree was the best thing for me and 5 years later I am glad that I stuck with it. After having to take one summer class I am now the proud holder of a Bachelor of Arts in music and, I must say, I'm pretty proud of myself. (just so you all know, I passed the summer class with an A, Woo hoo!!!)

While I was attending FHSU I discovered my love for musical theater. I started off my college career playing the role of "Marty" in Grease and after that musical I couldn't wait to be on stage again. Being involved with the theater department helped me gain confidence and turned me into the strong and out going woman that I am today. I owe a lot to that run down stage. I like to believe that a piece of me is still there. I gained enough confidence through my stage work to go on an audition while I was in New York during spring break. I didn't end up getting a role for the show I auditioned for but the experience was the best one that I could've had. I fell in love with New York while I was there and can't wait to return to the city to learn more about life.

Last summer I also was blessed with the amazing opportunity to go to Taiwan for a 10 day tour with one of my singing groups at the college. I was a bit leery of the idea when my director approached me about the idea. Taiwan wasn't the first place that I wanted to travel but, after a lot of fund raising and hard work, I decided that to put my fears aside and travel overseas. I am so glad that I did. The people in Taiwan are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. Everyone was so polite and friendly and I really felt like they were excited to have us in their country. During our first performance the audience greeted us with a standing ovation and hoops and hollers. I felt like a rock star :) Being in Taiwan helped me appreciate everything that life has to offer. I got to soak in a completely different culture and see the amazing beauty that surrounds us all. I happened to stumble upon some Buddhists monks who were in the middle of a ritual and they allowed me to sit in and listen. Words can't describe how amazing that experience was. I can't wait to travel again. I really want to see the world and have more amazing experiences like I had while I was in Taiwan.

I guess that brings me to the present. I have recently moved in with one of my best friends from high school. Her name is Danyel and she has been a wonderful confidant. We're both transitioning into "adulthood" together and it feels good to have someone who knows what I'm going through. Because I still don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life I decided to start working to save some money. I began working as a full time employee at Payless Shoe Source in the mall here in Hays and it was a good job for awhile. I didn't agree with some of the things that were going on in the store so I began looking around for something else. A kind lady by the name of Lois who was planning on opening a store right next to Payless was listening to me complain and she handed me an application. I filled it out and within a week she offered me a management position at her new store. I guess it helps to have an out going personality. The store is a boutique called "Retail Therapy". We sell soaps, candles, jewelry, gourmet foods and anything else you can think of. The opening date is set for August 1st and I'm excited. This will be my first adult job and I believe that it will be a good experience for me.

I still can't believe that I am a college graduate. It seems like yesterday that I was saying good bye to my mom as she drove away from my dorm. Life, although confusing at times, is quite intriguing and I can't wait for the future. I have no doubt that someday my name will be in lights. I just have to have faith.

I think that is all for now. I hope this wasn't too long for you. I promise to keep you all updated on a regular basis. Thank you for reading!
Love
Laura